"i just love your brain..."

doo doo doo

ok so its like seven something in the morning....happy black friday all my negroes and negroettes...happy shopping...i mean thats if your not too stuffed from being the fat glutenous fart pig that u were last night...cant u tell i'm in a jolly mood..."deck the halls...."

ok ok...so i shouldnt be bitter...in fact last night i was just so bitter that all the venom i spewed last night should be out of my system...but hey, there are still some "trace amounts"...RIGHT

umm yesterday was hella depressing and even though i told myself that i could handle a holiday in the house by myself...i still couldnt take the pressure.....i just sat on the steps and cried for about an hour...that is of course after i watched the redskins lose....lalalala

but seriously tho...its ridiculous....i dont know why i have to go through that...i must be really evil....seriously....

ummm anyway so i my baby called me back last night and we were talking....and of course none of us had good days but hey...putting on a front is more acceptable then whining all the time.....which is exactly what i did.......oh shit...i surely did whine....and groan...and cry....and pout....basically last night was all about me being the biggest ASS/BITCH/dumb-fuck......shit....i'm so tired........it was basically the bad me coming out and just basically...and so it just got to the point where she was like...."ill talk to u tomorrow".....and at that point i was like "fine"....and then i hung up.....

LETS NOT EVEN MENTION HOW RUDE I WAS TO RACHEL!!!!!!! ARGH....i dont even know where that came from...and by her tone when she called.....i mean it sounded like she wanted to patch things up and make it better because we didnt end on a good note.... instead i just hit her with this joint

Rachel<----"wasup vonney"
ME<---(sounding really indifferent and pissed and bitter)-"Look i'm busy right now...i'll call u back"
Click<-----Dial tone

and then like two seconds after that i just broke down in tears because that was so fuckin shitty of me and i didnt even mean for it to come out like that...she just made me really mad...and i was mad then....and sigh....i fucked up....i mean i actually cried off of that because if anything...she was who i needed to talk to right then...cuz i was feeling so down...and my baby...i mean thats my heart and everything...but everyone doesnt respond to me like rachel....i mean she tells me to cheer up...she tells me when i'm wrong...she tells me when i'm right....she gives me advice even if i dont follow it.....

so i mean i was on the phone with my baby for like twenty minutes after that and i dont know what happened but i was just really pissed at myself for not talking to rachel...and i wanted my baby to be rachel..and argue with me...and tell me to "shut up"...and be aggressive with me...cuz thats the only way i'll snap out of whatever i was in...and get my shit together....

so this is for you rachel:
i'm sorry for being an ass hole...and you know that i love you even if i have "changed"....i'll call u today....no one can take ure place....so just bear with me OK?

sigh....i'm out...now i gotta work shit out with my baby today.....cuz i'm supposed to be going over there today....sigh iight.HOLLER

yea yea yea happy turkey day to all my gangstas and gangstettes....and many more if i do say so myself...

"burr....its really cold in this basement"

so its the turkey day and im like yea gobble gobble this really sucks now doesnt it? i mean i'm not doing anything big...not that i ever do because my family is nonexistent and the little family i do have is either too far away, working, or doesnt want me to be a part of their christmas celebrations...it sux i know...but hey u learn to get over these things..."deck the halls with boughs of holly fa la la la la la la la la....."

tis the season to be jolly????????

BAH HUMBUG!

call me a scrooge if u will....but screw u too....u know i'm right....maybe i'm just bitter..but i can be right and bitter at the same time

anyway dana got a job at K B TOY STORE in pentagon city so shes going to performing child labor tomorrow....no comment...have fun with those barbie dolls and Yugioh cards kids...i wish u luck

i have to pay for my trip so the $225 that i was going to get has now turned into $55....i swear if anyone talks to me about what theyre NOT getting....i'm going to have to go for the jugular and thats word to my mother son...cuz i cant take this kind of pressure....i'm tired of it

iight so last night or whatever i was filling in the little bubbles on my SAT form and it was all fun and games and whatnot...so all i know is that do do doo...rachel calls me...fine, cool, whatever....were talking and i'm filling in bubbles....

"Vonney i'm mad cuz u didnt mention me in the update"

so doo doo doo i'm sitting there filling in bubbles...for real i'm not even fazed by what this chik is saying cuz u know i CANT multu task...so shes like

"what about our mission on saturday"

and for real for real i had forgotten about it and that wasnt even in the back of mind...i mean thats a get get mission in itself...and we only do it for our one year reunion...she knows whats up with that...anyway so she gives me this shit....

"Naw i think that ever since u got a girl....u've changed..."

so in my mind i'm like "Argh.....i dont need to hear this right now...i'm just tryna keep it straight civil and just chill...plus i'm thinking about what bubbles need to be filled in..."

so as far as today i've been virtually unproductive...i feel a lazy period coming along...ive been slacking and i feel i'm going to just have to hang in there until like christmas...cuz that sixteen days will do me well...i just need some time off to get things in order and get myself running back in shape...then i can be on my best behavior and perform well...

everyones doing stuff today...i watched like bits and pieces of that whacko parade...i mean its the same shit every year....marching bands from like "New Bible City, Wyoming"...and those infamous Rockette Girls in fishnet stockings and santa caps...in a line...lip synching to some old funky and played out showtune...gotta love it...CHRISTMAS IS COMING..and guess what i dont have any money...

Christmas is so over rated i tell ya it is...i mean i dont even know what christmas spirit is ("christmas spirit" ...."BAHHH HUMBUG!!!")...because i dont have any money...its become so commercialized...i dont know whether its about jesus's birth anymore or about what kind of gift set i can buy from bath and body works for 50% off cuz one of the lotions is missing....its so bland now...same old funky instrumental carols playing in the background as u walk through that mall....the same drunk santa in the middle of the fake north pole scene, trying to feel his way up some innocent girls dress while her mother isnt looking, because shes too busy balancing her checkbook in the corner, trying to make sure her account isnt going to bounce from that cute little set she bought at victoria's secret just a while ago....like i said i'm so over it and i'm sure many people are too...lets face it...theyve corrupted christmas....its not even pure for the kids...because all they view it as is the day other than your birthday when people give u things for no reason

ok so anyway....doo doo doo

i'm sitting at home last night..filling in bubbles on the sat joint and guess who calls me? Rachel...so i'm like iight whatever and i pick up the phone...she comes wit some old mess....

"man vonney I'm mad u aint put nothing about me in the update..."

so in my mind i'm like "yea doo doo doo....what should i put for this question?"...and yall know damn well i cant multi task and fill in bubbles and talk on the phone at the same time....YALL KNOW ME....i'm slow like dat

so i mean we making small talk and shit and she just comes wit some other stuff

"so i thought we were going out on saturday?"

ok that was very tentative and shit and for real yall i wanst even thinking about it...not that i dont want to see her but i mean i didnt think that it was set in stone so it wasnt really on my mind...anyway

so at that point i dont even think it was possible that i was gonna go out with her on saturday anyway so it wasnt fazing me for real...soooooo what did i do..

oh yea she hit me with this shit...

"Man vonney uve changed...."
Vonney<----rolls her eyes and keeps bubbling circles....

"what do u mean ive changed..."
"ever since u got a girl..."....and thats when vonney just didnt listen anymore.....

so i'm like whatever...i dont know what happened in between then but she said something and i was like skaboomps and pretty much pressed the button....and she was like "dont do it again"....and of course being the rebel without a cause that I am i pressed the button again....and she hung up on me....

dial tone

WTF??/ shit whatever...so i contemplated calling her back but whatever i didnt really need the stress and drama in my life that she was looking for so i was like fuck it...its whatever...i just wasnt in the mood last night....

what else...oh yea adriane called me while mickey was with her and i'm like....what is the point of this....ok u think shes wonderful and beautiful and shit....thats great.....POINT??? i dont think there is one....personally i dont know the chick or whatever...dont look to bright to me.....dont get me wrong.....hella beautiful and a phat azz at that....but not much else...ya dig?

so jeanine calls me too....and all i know is that she holds me hostage on the phone for like two hours and i'm like "yea i'm tired..."....and shes like "ok so"....and i'm like yea i bow down cuz now u wanna control my life...lol...and i just couldnt take that kind of pressure...so i just kissed her pinky lol...

sike naw...it happens to the best of them...she deserves the best...and i'm not just saying that because thats my ace boon coon...i'm saying that because i know her.....we go deep that some superficial fake shit...i know the type of person she is and the type of girl shed be to any female out there...even the ones who dog her and play her for some shit....like i say, it happens to the best of them....ole girl needs someone beautiful with no issues....thats gonna treat her right and knows how to be treated...someone thats all around and is a ten in every department...jeanine shouldnt have to settle for less and she should get everyting that she wants because shes worth everything....so jeanine...this one is for u baby... I LOVE YOU!!!! lol.....ladies...u see the pic of that white chocolate on my page.....if u wanna holla and u think u handle a sweet lady.....let me know so i can start those big CONNEX!

what else....i talked to my baby yesterday and shes going through some ish...u know i'm like the least consoling person in the world...and i think that just stems from my indifference all the time to peoples problems...i mean for most people...i dont care about their shit point blank and period...maybe it was just shamikia that fucked me up...cuz i can never remember being this cold and unresponsive to anyone...its like i had a good word...and inspirational thought for shamikia every moment of my life....but now that MY baby is going through all this shit now....i dont know how to deal with it...and so everytime she tells me something....there is like this eerie silence on the phone and i cant deal with it...i'm not the type of person anymore to give people those pats on the backs and tell them to "cheer up"...thats most definitely NOT me....so what the fuck do i do now....i have no idea.....no matter what i hope she knows that I do care even if theres nothing i can do to give her the courage or the strengh to pull through....i mean its life...we all have our personal battles and struggles that we have to pull through....u feel me.......

what else....oh yea ive been watching vidoes and all i have to say is why...NO wait...WHY....is the nelly video sooooo damn low budget....i mean all they did was bring in a bunch of boxes of air force ones.....get some old nasty back ground dancers from a casting call in st louis...and rented out like one block in the city and passed out some shoes...it wasnt creative at all and i'm sourly disappointed at that old mess.....

on TLC there was a BABY STORY marathon and it was iight...i like a wedding story better cuz i get to make fun of thoe ugly lace dresses that the poor white trash wear....lol......HA....but seriously tho.....so anyway for the first time i saw a same sex couple on that joint and they were having their second child and it was just too darling for real....i was soo amazed.....i mean two parents of the same sex can give a child the same amount of love that any combination of two people need.....thats what children need...good parents...good love....and good values to be instilled in them.....HYPOTHETICALLY if i ever have children i would want to girls and a baby boy....

why do i have a list of names

Girls: Madison, Kerrington, Celeste, Mickayla, Genesis, Genet, Genese, Tarynn, Colette, Chloe,

Boys: Kahlil, Tariq, Malachi, Malik, Maleka, Darien,

I'm such a fucking loser arent I...i know....

ok so i was talking to dana today and she was telling me about her visit to bucknell university and all i have to say is that yea...i had never heard about until she told me about it and it was great...skaboomps lol.....she visited like three weeks ago....lol....

its a small liberal arts college in Lewisburg, Pennsylvania and she was telling me that the campus was laid out.....i mean its small and out there but I got to thinking about it...do i REALLY need to be in a big city....i mean that would be too much a distraction to me for real....and i mean college is about the social aspect of it all...but i can already see myself wasting big money if i go to atlanta...cuz imma be up in Barcode....with nothing on...trying to freak me one of those sexy ATL studs....mm mm mm...i dont wanna think about it lol.....but seriously....the tuition is 33,000 and dana was saying that theyre really trying to recuit minorities.....out of about 3,000 students.....there are only 198 blacks on the campus....hmm and thats all i have to say....hey if i help them meet that quota....then by all means...holla atcha gurl so they can give me some money.....schools like that are hungry for people like me.....i mean my GPA is tight...i take advanced classes...and my test scores are not going to be slumming anyway...lol......hopefully (can i pleeeeeze get a 1200 lol)......but if they give me money...then hey...lick my balls all other universities cuz i will be hollering at BUCKNELL.......lol......

i mean these folks got students sending me emails tryna straight recruit and i'm like shit...all i did was send them an email asking them to holler at me about some general info......theyre website is tight....u can like make ure own personalized brochure and thats all i have to say lol.....its in the woods but basically people travel to the city every weekend and thats all i needed to know....the only thing they dont have is black sororities......no aka or deltas....and thats something ive wanted to do forever and a day now and i just cant see myself without that experience in college because thats something ive been looking forward to doing for a while now....dana already told me that the food was good and thats all i need to know to be sold....so hey if i go up there and i love it...then i will certainly holler at that joint for real lol

anyway i've talked ure heads off which means i might not have an entry for a while....anyway i wills holla later.....PEACE and GOOOOOOOOOOOOO COWBOYZ!!!!! lol.....

why did i just write this tight azz entry and its gone.....

fuck this shit

yes people...u know wasup

its thanxgiving eve and i'm sitting here in my underwear drinking hot chocolate an eating chicken nuggets....while being bored in my basement....sigh...so lets retrack my past few days

ok my memory isnt that vivid but well try to get in the important things...lalalala

I took a quiz in Ms. Northrops class and all i have to say is that....Fuck the Crucible because when i actually read the story and understand what I read but then damn near failed the quiz....sigh lets just not talk about it...anyway what else...

did i tell u that I kirked on ms Antonelli....i think it was friday and it just wasnt my day...i didnt have my glasses either...well she gave us a pop quiz and it was on this funny over head....so i'm looking at this crap and i'm complaining that i cant see....and outta no where shes like "well maybe u need to get some glasses"

now at that moment what wanted to come out of my mouth was ..."look u rich burberry scarf wearing bitch....we cant all just get up and buy things at the spur of the moment like u, u spoiled little brat"....but of course I'm much nicer than that....so my leg started bouncing up and down and I was like "that's RUDE..."and some other stuff that just wasnt too nice at all....

i took a test in her class yesterday and it was a mess because I didnt have enough time and i messed up on my graphs....sigh i just want to cry thinking about it...i need a fucking A in that class to balance out everything...i cant fuck up now....and thats all i have to say about that....lalalalalalala what else....

man thanxgiving is going to be some crack...i'm not going anywhere...were going to order pizza and i'm just going to be content from there.....nothing special...what family? i dont think i even know the meaning of that word since my father has to work...and my mother has decided to disown us for the entire fucking weekend because she has her own prerogatives....fuck her...i'm getting tired of this shit....always putting me down...and then trying to be supernice after shes fucked up....i c right past it....WHY DO PEOPLE FORSAKE ME????

shit. man today has been so boring...and all ive been doing is browsing the internet and looking for colleges....i also watched some videos and crap....i saw nellys air force ones video and i must say that i am throughly disappointed....low budget and a hot crappy mess...they could have done better....i also saw mariah careys new video and now that song is in my head "I can make it through the rain...."

TRINA AND LUDACRIS!!!!!!!! OH MY SHIT....that song is too TIGHT....lil mama is doing the damn thing and i have to admit that she is the baddest bitch....i dont care what anyone says....she is like the woman....and her flow is tight...she gets all props.....shes only second to eve.....

sigh depression is about to hit...i feel it coming..its brewing....i hate being alone....and now i'm alone on a holiday...isnt this the MOST!? lol "curses".....

maybe i'll study some math for my SATS...yes they are coming up in January...and i got my fee waiver and thats all that matters.....ill take them on 1/25 and a couple of days after exams...hopefully i wont be to fried out by then...i hate tests....especially standardized test because theyre not the fucking standard...the shit they teach in school has nothing to do with the shit they put on the tests......

if there are five ding-dongs attached to 54 oompaloompas then how much time will it take for the cows to come home if there is traffic on I-95 and the beltway is backed up on the woodrow wilson bridge?

and i'll probably answer. D). 2
but i guess i'd rather leave it blank.....WHY>....UGH....must look for more money and colleges and scholarships now....HOLLER

Holla amigos and amigas....tonite i was inducted into NHS

YEA U KNOW WASUP....that was for all my NHS affiliates, otherwise known as NHS thugz and thuggettes all around the world...much love and respect because we hold down the service, character, leadership, and scholarship...i dont think that theyre ready though? i'm bout to do big things and thats not a game...HOLLER!

hmm so yea school was iight today...i had everything under control....u know, no major breakdowns or stressful moments....i actually enjoyed today...it was quite lovely i must admit.....ARGH

especially the fact that ms. dienno wasnt there....now any other time i wouldnt have cared BUT this TIME well let me walk u through it lol....

ddj approaches me before i reach the door..

"u know we have a sub right?"
and i'm like "yea so what?"
and she smirks and says, "but guess who our sub is tho?",.....

and i think thats when my silly grin began....i walked in the classroom...and its like puppy love or something because this woman has just got me infatuated...maybe its the way her hair is so wavy....or the way she braids it and then pins it in place at the back of her head...or maybe its the fact that she never wears skirts that just makes me smitten with her....or maybe its the way she walks...those lovely long strides....i know i'd be the biggest idiot around her...she just has something different...shes not trying to do it up, shes just trying to do her...i like uniqeness....individuality....whatever she wears.....whether it be two piece business pinstriped suit OR creme colored too-tight sweatpants...she makes it look good..i'm not even sweating the fact that she did carry us...well not me cuz i wasnt talking....but she carried the rest of the people who were talking....

"last time i checked...i said no talking"....and then there was silence

<>

ok so besides the permanent cheese i had on my face like forever and a day....i just couldnt take the pressure....

so yea doo-doo-doo....i went to gospel choir and we learned new song....it was great...and i went over megans house and we chilled for a couple before i had to come back to school.....

lalala so what else...oh yea....so my mother is calling me stressing me out about stupid shit and i'm like yea...i just feel shes going to mess my joint up.....

anyway she gets there with my brother and i just feel this nasty overwhelming feeling brewing inside of me.....u know...

the D word....yes depression...

my depression is usually fueled by anger and sadness and bitterness and so many other emotions...and thats what i felt when we were waiting in the cafeteria in line to walk into the gym....an overwhelming feeling to let all of those feelings explode and splatter onto the floor...at least that way i could be rid of them..

so i just start crying...and it was just not good at all....sigh....anyway i get it together before we walk in and that was great....

the ceremony was really cute and what not since umm yea the guest speaker wants to tell tales of famous amous and madame CJ walker....and eagles and stuff....i just didnt get it....and it was hard because i was on stage and i wanted to drift off so badly....i was so restless....and melanie was sitting beside me....and i was murmuring "dusty butt"....i just wanted to make someone have an outburst.....the lady almost made me do it when she started talking about the men who sell insence and then started talking about the men who sell BEAN PIES on the street,...i swear as soon as she said bean pies i could not breathe for air and it took everything in my body not to burst out LAUGHING....i bet Big B doesnt even know what the fuck a bean pie is but i'll betcha shell eat one....

Big B<---eyeing the pie...."ooo whats this...."
Big B<----mouth watering...."i dont know what it is but-"
Big B<----stuffing face with bean pie.....
Big B<----with crumbs on her face scratching her belly...."me hungry, still want eat"
Yvonne<---LLS

HA! but cant u imagine it tho LOL! anyway seriously so....yea she just ticked me the fuck off and i was like yea lets just cut the jokes (my mother that is)....and it really just bugged the all fuck outta me.....things were going great till we got into the car and then she started talking about college....

"me and ure father have agreed that it would be best if u go to college in the area because we cant afford it if u left........".....and i just dont believe that she even tried to hit me with the bribe...."well get u a car"....HUH....i dont give a fucc about driving right now.....i mean shit,,,,CAN I BE ELIGIBLE FOR MY LEARNERS THO??????

shes blowing me and that was the last straw because she included daddy in this....so i talked to daddy and he says he supports any decision that i make just as long as its withing our reach....how can my mother refuse to spend money on my college education.......i just dont get it...but my little brother the dumb fuck has a fucking trust fund/savings account/government bonds/401 K./IRA (dammit i dont know what those things are called) set up in his name to go to college....and all the shit is riding on MY Fucking shoulders...well dammit Yvonne just cant bear the weight of the world and i CANT be the next black jesus....i need MONEY to go to school and if spelman is not going to give it to me then fine....i'll find it elsewhere that i'm interested in.....i just really need to get out of my parents grasp.....quickly...

"do u know what today is?"

IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY!

were moving steadily but surely to something even greater baby....lets keep it UP!.......

ok why am i listening to AOL radio really trying to make myself that mya can sing......hmmm yes she looks like a chimpmunk and thats about it...hmm i got my whole presidential outline done and thats good right? yes i know...i figured that i should start working on this music for tomorrow if i want to sing "carol of the birds" in the small group but the problem is that i cant read music...so i was sitting by the keyboard trying to mark notes....and i mean i can have the notes marked but then i dont know how to follow the beat....whatever, i'll get someone who plays an instrument to play the notes for me so i can get it together...wonderful....just wonderful....hmm i have to find a way to get money for an outfit for snowball, weedle pledge money out of my parents...and get a gift for my secret santa. something is going to have to give and it looks like it might just be snowball....i mean shit....that means that i'd have to buy the tickets along with getting the dress and shoes to go along with it....i just cant take that kind of pressure in my life anymore......la la la la......whatever i guess it doesnt matter right?....NHS tomorrow and people voted to dress down...why is everyone always so pressed for a dress down day... i guess that when u have clothes it really doesnt matter to u....but i mean i dont have any really nice clothes...especially dress clothes...so this means i'm going to have to be wearing the same nasty outfit from the morning time until night time. wtf....all in the name in a fucking dress down day....i dont believe this shit.....

there is absolutely nothing on AOL soul radio.....

how am i going to tell my father that a $170 deposit is due on the 20th...shit fuck.....i cant take this pressure.....damit i hate being poor....it just makes things a hell of a lot more stressful, seriously...sigh i miss my baby..wonder what shes doing...

i'm feeling restless....i really dont have anything to write about....lets see, my father came home and well.....i dont know..same ole stuff...he doesn't even know i'm in concert choir...i guess i should try to tell him, but when i talk about it he just nods and starts talking about bills and shit again....i almost started to cry when he asked, "u take music?"

DUH!!!! so out of touch it doesnt even make sense. i give up....i guess living in my little shell is not that bad because its not like anyone else cares anyway...i figure if i just stay to myself, i dont have to put up with others people shit.....for instance, my father is always talking about BILLS.....and i always block him out...i'm like Bubble Girl or something like that...weird huh? I know..

Glenn Lewis song...."its not fair"....deep....Trick Daddy's new song...dont know the name but....deep nonetheless...

i guess it really isnt fair, Glenn

u know i wonder who else reads this thing other than rachel and melanie....i just found out that she reads it after she called me "dusty butt" (scroll down a few entries)...but knowing my school, teachers probably read this thing...sigh....all i need is for my NHS membership to be revoked on the premises of me being an ass....sigh whatever...i'm tired of that school.....i like school, dont get me wrong, i'm just tired of being harassed and herded around like cattle....being counted as a number....its getting boring now...the first few days of school are always the best but this time right now is the worst because i dont know where to go....ive already accomplished my goal of a 3.98....whats next....a 4.0....its possible...but sometimes i feel like i cant take the pressure....there are just too many expectations....too much regiment...too much stress and not enough time for myself....i cant even do the things i enjoy doing anymore like reading...and i barely get to write.....i've got people dying to read somemore of my stories but i have to prioritize

"first things first, I poppa freaks all da hunnies...."

when is total going to come out with a new CD....with keishas fine ass self....mm mm mm....damn lol.....i miss adriane....shes abandoned me.....gosh when is high school going to be over...its like a nightmare....for me it is....no money....no clothes....no license...and even if i had one....no car......NO LIFE!....yes thats what it comes down to...no social life at all....just piles of homework and the hope that college will never be this depressing.....SHIT.....

wish me luck tomorrow my peoples....and rachel i'm waiting for those pictures ok....LUV U!

but all i have to say is that when i crank out three presidential outlines in 2 hours i'm the beast....i have to pee like a racehorse...just wanted to let u guys know that i was thinking about u....of course u guys are probably my stalkers so i know that ure thinking about me!....anyway gotta go study these notes.....can u believe shes making me try out as on ALTO....ick....i dont get "down" like that.....HOLLER.....

OH WAIT!!!!!! All MY NHS THUGZ.....DO U WANNA BATTLE....i feel like beating my feet to that one! HOLLA

man...i hate to be sitting here bullshitting but thats all ive been doing...i got like 1/4 of my reflection paper and thats what i'm trying to get done right now...well actually....i'm fucking around on the internet writing a journal entry, trying to kill time because i dont wanna do what i have to do. what a shame...and i got like homeowork in EVERy and i mean every class...so sitting here listening to mary j blige ask if i can share her world is not getting anything accomplished...hmm whats new

the lady is going to do my hair tomorrow...and that is great cuz a sista needs a TRIM like....

ummm what else...man i dont really wanna go to school tomorrow cuz....whatever i'm like one step closer to thanxgiving which is one step closer to christmas break which is one step closer to spring break....which is YES u know it...one step closer to SUMMER! i need a job, i need to sign up for SAT's, i need to do so many things and its like shit...ugh

we have to put in a deposit for this trip in april and i'm just like yea cut the jokes tho cuz its like 170....and i just dont have it...i dont even have any fucking pledge money and thats some shit aint it...fucc....i gotta make up some shit next week to put on my lil pledge forms...this is wonderful......damn mary j blige can sing....

what else....oh yea i'm looking into this ROTC scholarship, i just wanna know whats involved in it in the end cuz that would just be something....to have them pay for my school and then ask me to join the army....yea so i can fight mr bush's war....army life aint for me...i mean the food is terrible and the women are even worse....i dont think that korea is the place i wanna be.....i like being a civilian just fine....even if i do get blown up.....

"whats a rimjaw?"
"did u see barbara in her last movie....her legs were like, BUTTA!"
"I'm verclempt"
"Talk amongst yourselves...here, i'll give u a topic..."

Ha....i wish i spoke yiddish....jewish people are unique folks....lol.....i wonder if i became muslim would my father disown me....him and his funky principles......."you are everything and everything is you"........lol

man...trust issues....we need to work through them for REAL....cuz i trust and she doesnt....kinda makes me wanna say fucc it....right...naw cuz i'm feeling her.....ALOT....she has 143 potential....if u know what i mean...."u give me butterflies...inside..."

"my heart belongs to you...so what can i do...."

"why dont we, why dont we, why dont we fall in....."

take it one step at a time i suppose........

wasup yall...u know i've been bullshitting all day long and its just like i cant seem to do any work...but thats ok cuz i'll bust my ass tomorrow...u know how i do

i'm feeling lazy sitting here in boxers and flip flops with an old tshirt...its rainy and miserable outside...not a nice day at all..i dont have any overwhelming emotions right now...i'm just cool...mellow...laid back basically...

woke up this morning and decided to look at some crap that i got in the mail yesterday....we had something from marymount university in VA...i think arlington...then there was some shit from Syracuse...yea Syracuse was looking really nice until skaboomps, i found out their tution was 36,000....umm last time i checked...NO....my mother is hollering about spelman which is about fucking 20,000...yea shes having fun....then there was this thing from UMD....that was nice and everything but umm last time i checked i'm not giving my parents the satisfaction of applying to a school in the area...chances are about 100 percent that i will get into Howard and get a scholarship to go there....but lets please now cut all the jokes cuz that means that i will still be bound by the chains of slavery (aka my parents and their restrictions).....i dont have time for that...imma just apply to school away from here and i mean far away....i'm telling u folks that i have my eyes set on Atlanta and spelman...i dont think that u guys get it

a couple of weeks ago i went to information session on spelman and i must tell u that it was great...i mean it just made me so proud to see the bright and intelligent women that the college produced...doctors, lawyers....everything imaginable...they were so proud of their school and u could tell that Spelman was partly responsibe for instilling in them the pride that comes with being a woman of color....i just feel like that place is calling me and no one feels me except for my father....i'm tired of my mother hollering about money...she always does that shit.....she had shit to say when me and my father decided that i was going to seton....AND THIS WAS WHEN SHE HAD A JOB THAT PAYED ALMOST TWICE AS MUCH AS MY FATHER....my father has not complained about one damn thing.....and believe me folks it gets pretty damn hard for him! two full time jobs, struggling to pay tuition....and make ends meet.....and my mother continues to wonder why he does it....when it comes to your child's education, u shouldnt have to wonder...u shouldnt hesitate in sacrificing....this woman has placed all and i mean ALL of the responsibility on my back to get scholarships and grants....I'm SORRY...but last time i checked i shouldnt be dependent on loans and grants to go to college....that was their responsibility to save money for college for me and as far as i'm concerned, they both did a bad job in that area....i'm so tired of wondering where i'm going......I'm just hoping and praying that i can find the money to go to spelman cuz at this point, i have my eyes on that prize....if my mother doesnt want to help out because of her stubborn ass....fine but i hope to fucc that she doesnt come knocking on my door when i'm successful and i make it to where i want to be.....cuz i'm just going to have to say "where were u when i needed u???"

ok yea yea yea...my baby just sent me a text message....shes so sweet....i miss her.....she says shes doing homework..yes something that i should be doing right now but i guess that i'll just browse for colleges and scholarships on the internet right now....HOLLER

mm mm mm foreplay for four hours????? I LOVE IT!!!! can i just take a breather right now...cuz my day was worthy of a second journal entry....yes i love it.....moaning, sucking, biting, stroking, kissing....I LOVE IT ALL!

ok now yall know that i'm new to this whole game and all...so i'm not hip with the foreplay like u young cats are lol....just kidding....but i never knew that u could cum without having sex...it was wonderful yes it was....and now imma have a permanent cheese on my face for the rest of the week.....
well maybe until i hit the school building on monday...

so we had been planning this all week cuz i didnt have school and we meet up at the metro station......je n'ai pas ete dans mon assiette....and it wasnt going too well cuz i slept on the train and my stomach hurt....and it hurt now and i have all this food sitting by me....anyway so yea we get to her house and i was still not feeling like myself....mm mm mm....

so we get there and of course we were watching south park the movie.....one of my FAVORITE of ALL TIME!..

"what's a rimjaw?"

lol but seriously tho...we watched it like until 3/4 of it and then it was history from there....i dont even know how it started...it was just like kissing...and then we just continued.....started at about 1 and stopped at about five...it was good...and the thing is that i wanted the sex so bad....but i was still satisfied when i left....yes it was wonderful....i'm as giddy as a fucking school girl...what can i say

she makes me happy..and theres nothing wrong with that....right? i mean when i look into her eyes...i know theres something real in there for me...no games no bullshit...just the truth and thats all a girl could ever want...that genuine feeling of warmth and ....SIGH....damn this girl got me SHOOK!

i'm giving up my heart....i like it and i dont cuz that just makes me the more vulnerable...i hate it but i love it...cuz i trust her.....DID I JUST SAY THAT! yes i trust her and thats why it feels so good....as much as i dont want to believe her, i cant help but doing it cuz i know she doesnt have cruel intentions....

and its only been a month...yea this is deep......

see this is why i hate this website....because i fuckin spent like twenty minutes last time writing out my personal thoughts....i was gonna make a clean break from deadjournal but i wound up transferring my shit to that site....anyway

but yea why are we so poor that we cant even afford toilet paper...i think i'm the only one with toilet paper in the house so my little roll keeps getting smaller everytime i go in the bathroom....i mean i cant even take a shit....u know what i mean...and if one just decides it wants to roll out then that means i have to take a shower...cuz no one wants a dusty butt..u feel me?

anyway whats really good folks....no school today and there aint nothing wrong with that cuz I LOVE IT! i'm doing my thug thing today...was going to go out with jeanine but i'm going to my babys house to go watch movies and things of that nature....should be fun so i'll keep u posted folks.....lol.....ick....um whatelse.....i'm burned out and tired but i keep going.....i have so much shit due its unbelievable...all i want to do is lay in my bed and go to sleep but thats impossible isnt it...

school sucks...and so do the people...ive come to see that there are only a few people that i really fucks with like that in there...the others can truly suck my dick...they make me even more bitter than i already am and thats just not good peoples.....

right now i'm listening to tevin campbell and i was just reading stories on kuma2...u know i have to hit it up when the 15th rolls around folks....i didnt have to sift through the trash cuz theres this three part series on there by this woman named bi?princess called maintaining my rep...i really want more after reading the first two parts...i dont think i can wait until december for the third part...

hmm we were talking on the bus yesterday after attending the most unproductive .....the most UNPRODUCTIVE onyx meeting ive ever been to....it was straight ridiculous.....no one got anything done because a certain someone loves the spoghtlight...i come prepared and i know wasup....i got my topic and everything....and i wanna discuss certain things....but the same things were being said over and over again and i know people were pissed because they wasted an hour of their time...

anyways me cynthia and toni were on the bus discussing high school and college....and we were like high school was not what we anticiapted....i mean gee after seeing shit like saved by the bell to dawsons creek and shit.....i feel cheated out the high school experience....i mean i know that shit is fake but why cant anyone come through my window...or why cant i sneak out at night...high school has been so boring....for me anyway....i mean no parties.....no nothing....just school work and trying to maintain grades....and my parents wonder why i'm trying to go far far away from them...i mean gee wiz......atlanta isnt that far away is it? lol....anyway i gotta go but i'll holler at u guys later....peace