"aint no love in the heart of the city/aint no love in the heart of town"

going to da movies and stuff....i went driving today and i liked it alot...its wonderful....i'll tell ya about it when i return

iight last entry i pretty much wasnt feeling like writing cuz some chik kept imming me and i was like "UGH"

today was a total and complete waste of my time...i have to wait exactly one year to get a car...i need to at least learn how to drive so i dont have to stay my azz in the house all the time...i'm BORED AS FUCK...theres nothing to do...jeanine is gone....dana's out with joy i think...i'm stuck at home having the time of my life....my father was supposed to be cool about it and take me out so that we could have some driving lessons today...i told him like five fucking times that i wanted to go out today...he's off...theres nothing else to do...and of course he finds something to do....he went to oxon hill to get a new string for his fucking guitar....WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT...

i'm tired of seeing rich folks...i'm tired of christmas....i'm very happy that it passed because ummm all i have to say is that if i heard another christmas carol, i was going to just go bust...its ridiculous man. seriously...rachel still hasnt called me to tell me about her lil sexcapade but thats ok...

its friday...ive done nothing...i feel shitty....theres nothing sweet to eat in my house...and if i drink another cup of hot chocolate i'm going to go bust....i'm getting tired of school and i most definitely do not want to go back there....thats for sure...but vacation has just been so unfulfilling....thats why i'm blown...

i talked to my siginificant other yesterday....i dont know....my gut feeling is telling me something....i'm like 60% happy.....i'm just tryna keep it real....40% of time time i'm thinking about things that she does that really irks me...and i'm thinking about how i think that we dont click in all ways....shes the sweetest person in the world its just that i'm not used to it....i'm not used to someone being nice 100% of the time....i kinda thrive on controversy...a little bit of drama never hurt anyone did it? shit....i'm not saying i need some old beer belly dom smacking me up everyday because i didnt put food on the table...i just need someone who keeps it real all the time with their feelings and their emotions...shit....if i do something wrong, tell me....if i say something wrong....tell me....dont dance around the problem...dont make believe like nothing is wrong....be real....thats what i like the most...she means well but i'm having problems getting with her program....of course rachel would say that its not cuz i dont like nice people...its cuz i'm not ready to be in a committed relationship....hmm rachel, i'm thinking about whether i agree with u or not...am i really ready to be in a committed relationship...i dont know...i know one thing, the minutes my grades start to fall of, i might have to do some major prioritizing for real...cuz i know what comes first most definitely....i guess we're just going through that whole relationship circle thing that ms dienno drew on the board...first its attraction, then u find out the person's differences....i just dont really know right now whether i'm going to accept those differences with much ease...i can try, but will i be true to myself? what the fuck ever....i'm done

ayesha called me on christmas day....we were "supposedly" going to chill on friday but i dont know what is wrong with that girl....

i'm getting tired of staying at home....ive started eating way too much and i know its not healthy...but hey when theres nothing else to do....i guess theres no other choice but to eat

i'm so not looking forward to having to do my vacation work over the next week....shit....i just need a fucking release...i wish i was in paradise with shari.....running on the beach in my bikini, sipping some fruity drink and sunbathing on the white sands of that exotic island.....laughing and playing and being carefree with a beautiful person, inside and out....sigh i can feel it right now....it feels GOOD

jeanine left me....she drove to florida...shes prolly still chillin in the car....listening to her CD that i bought for her....that good old justin timberlake...i'll miss her like shit....thats my heart for real right there...

anyway folks, i'm bitter...and pissed....and its gonna boil over into mad depression in a few....so stay tuned for the next episode and until then.......bite my balls.....HOLLA

15..."its a beautiful time in your life...u're going through alot of changes...whatever you do, do the right thing"

do the right thing
do the right thing
do the right thing

as if that old cliche isnt played out enough...sigh....do the right thing huh....cant please everyone so u might as well please yourself...a motto that i truly need to start living by huh lol

talked to rachel last night and guess what bob....shes not dead!...although she didnt tell me the whole story about what happened with her and ashley..shit

hmm i've been on the mellow tip...i escaped the holiday without major depression, probably because my thanksgiving breakdown was enough for christmas and new years...yes people it was profound...tear drops...cuss outs....were talking mariah carey major breakdown lol...but i'm back....and i wear a charmbracelet now! LOL LMAO LLS

so yea ive been on the down low type mellow tip straight enjoying my vacation for what its worth...waking up late and eating dinner food for breakfast...watching maury send fat ass teenagers to bootcamp....and not taking showers till nine at night...(eww gurl u nasty!)<-----so what

why dont i click with the cute ones....damn i could call ayesha right now....gotta go

sigh...sometimes i just dont know about myself...

its officially the first day of my winter vacation and i'm enjoying it...the fact that i dont have to get out of bed at 5:15 every morning is somewhat comforting and i like it...alot...

i hate the last week before winter vacation seriously tho because its nothing but a bunch of test, quizzes, and papers....teachers just HAVE to fit in five weeks worth of cirriculum that they knew they should have been keeping up with..its absolutely ridiculous...but u know what guys..."I"M A SURVIVOR!!!!!" lol....for real tho i was on major stress tip all week....hmm did i ever tell u how snowball went...or what happened before snowball...well here goes nothing kids...

so me and mine had been planning to do a little christmas shopping on the 14th and we wound up at bowie town center....it was cool i suppose...u know i always pride myself on being comfortable in public with the person i'm with but something just wasnt right...i mean i was 100% with the public display of affection shit...i guess its because i was being mad self conscious...but its not that i didnt want to be with her...its cuz i wonder what people think..."oh there goes another dyke..." "what a shame"..."its just a trend"....its not just a trend with me and i hate....ABSOLUTELY HATE being clumped in a category with other people who i share nothing in common with...its sorta like this...

i hate it when white people or anyone of another race looks at me suspiciously because "niggaz" have given good black people a bad name....i hate being viewed as "just one of those 'dykes' who is going through a stage/phase or following the trend"...that is not me....thats not what i'm about....i dont know, i really dont

so yea anyway we went shopping at bowie town center and it was pretty cool...she did her thing and i did mine....and it was great....sigh...then we went to her house and chilled for a lil while...

a few days before that i had been feeling shitty about the relationship for real...i mean i never get to spend time with her....its essentially like a long distance type thing where i just cant take that kind of pressure...i need to be hugged and kissed and given mad attention...i wanna cuddle and all that shit and i cant when i want to ...oh well, what do u do when ure in a situation like that...i was seriously having mad doubts about whether i wanted to continue...and i figured there is no reason to break up with a perfectly good person because i'm not patient....i figured i'd just have to maintain some faith and keep going with it...u never know where this thing might lead...

so anyway we chilled at her house....ordered pizza...we were supposed to eat it but we got -cough cough- side tracked and that was the end of it....chillin on her bed.....her suckin on my neck....actually biting on my neck....hard...but it felt good.....i could take the pain cuz i'mma G like that lol.....so yea pretty much umm went downstairs to her basement to watch forrest gump and chilled on her couch.......mm mm mm......ate.....then we had to say our goodbyes right then and there....cuz no one wants to make a scene in front of others......went upstairs and turned on the light

"what is that on ure neck"
i look in the mirror...
"what is what on my neck?"
she points
i look
"oh shit" i say
first hickey ever...documented right here in my blog lol

so it was hard...parting is such sweet sorrow but its ok i guess

i hurried home on the metro and had to get my feet done for snowball cuz they were lookin a mess....i dont have those soft thangs.....my joints can get ummmm .....hectic....if u know what i mean... lol

so the chinese people wanna take hella long to make me wait and do my feet.....i got this kinda light azz gold that fades into pearl type color and then i proceeded to go home......went to jeanines house.....

got out the car

"oh shit....i forgot my ticket"
my father pulls off

i go inside and see jeanine all dressed up like a lil man....i love it! lol shes super cute....and come to think about it we kinda actually matched without knowing it.... lol what a mess

so we get to snowball and i have to weasel my way into the dance without a ticket....me and jeanine go downstairs.....
well we tried to

a lady stops us at the top of the stairs....
well she stops jeanine....
"no gentlemen allowed downstairs"...

and thats when i decided that i was going to scratch my chin, look at jeanine, grab her arm, and lead her downstairs.....sigh.....the things we go through at seton.....

so anyway we get into the dance and it was iight...i have to say that i enjoyed myself at the dance marathon more than i did at snowball....everyone had dates except for me....even dana brought joy witched kinda saddened me cuz i needed company...jeanine left me for mickie and i was sitting there for the most part.....i ate about 1/4 of the platter of chicken wings......drank about 6 cups of punch and walked around....suprisingly enough my feet didnt hurt....

everyone looked cute.....i like my outfit the best cuz it was unique....the white girls got their dance on.......the black people got their sit on.....and someone was setting off stinkbombs....sounds like a seton affair to me folks....job well done seniors....

so the last week has been hectic and shit....ive been tryna maintain even tho i have mad SENIORITIS and i'm only a JUNIOR.....shit i dont think imma make it for another semester...well see folks....i love it.....

i love it soo much...not doing much on x.mas but i wasnt expecting...."bag humbug" suck my dick.....christmas isnt really tight anymore because people have pimped the holiday and its lost its true meaning.......

i guess ill see my baby next week.....hopefully.....shes going through some shit...but isnt that always the case...sometimes i dont know what to say....sometimes i just dont feel like being inspirational....i just feel like being my own nonchalant-dont give a fuck- i dont really care azz".....but the thing is that i do care.....i care alot

rachels been missing in action.......call me...maybe i'll call u sweetie....i hope u are ok....

i feel like i'm losing jeanine to a hidden evil.......

thats all folks

but all i have to say is that this week is just about to be really hectic and i just cant take the pressure tho....hmmm i just finished that three part series on kuma 2 and i must say that it was some quality stuff...wasnt as good as " blind love" (but i dont think anything will ever and I mean EVER measure up to that)....but it was heart warming....spent some time with my baby this weekend and we had fun buying presents and whatnot...concert tomorrow....test tomorrow....the tests and quizes today were not a joke...holla

sigh...tired....got laughed at when i told people that i had $100 for christmas shopping money....is that funny....its not to me

almost slipped on some fuckin ice...i was frigid...my ass was freezing literally...because all i had between my buttcheeks and mother nature

jeanines having dreams again...i had my dream again...she had two...i havent had one in a while...we should open up a restaurant together...we shouldnt become lovers...it wouldnt work...to good of friends

finished my outline before nine...didnt study and dont intend to...although i wont be winging it....

ill study in the library tomorrow

had detention today but i got to do some of my work

dont know what i should buy everyone...

i have to tighten my belt cuz i'm on a tight azz bugdet for the rest of the week

going to snowball......

solo

need a date...but i dont need one at all...

OH yes.....forget to tell that our christmas concert with dematha last night was tight.....IN EVERYONES OPINION (not just mine...i dont wanna be biased or anything lol)...we sounded the best....and it wasnt even OUR concert....shari my savior sounded beautiful and camilles descant was very pretty....the best parts of the concert were US of course and the "chipmunks roasting on an open fire" song...AND the dematha school song...i never thought that a school song could be so tight....but all i have to say is ..."St. John Dematha Pray For Us"....

holla

"let if freeze"...

all i want to know is why are we in school.......when D.C. is out of school...for that...why are we in school when every other school district is out of school......why did i almost bust my ass on seton....YES I SAID IT.....why did i almost bust my fucking ass ON ELIZABETH SETON HIGH SCHOOL PROPERTY.......the bammas didnt even salt the sidewalk dammit....i'm getting tired of this shit...i really am.....

i'm cold and i have a lot of work to do tonite....so fuck yall niggaz.

u knock me offa my feet......

lalalala

"LET IT SNOW!!!!!"
but all i have to say is this is great...cuz when its pretty much thawing outside and they tell us to stay home....hey aint nothing wrong with that....

but i'm bored now...let me go read my book...cuz doing this damn blackplanet page is not hitting the spot....holler

ok i was just looking at fat nasty white girl on BP.....calling herself gay...and thats when i got scared and decided to write in my journal...man for real tho...all i have to say is that everyone is counting on snow tomorrow and all i want is a two hour delay...cuz if we dont have that then u KNOW i'mma be BLOWN like....shit...man i gotta go and do this abraham lincoln presidential outline for real...

in the words of my dawg shari....

"its crazy"

"dear baby jesus how tiny thou art...i'll make a place for thee in my heart..."

so its lunch time right now and i'm pretty much looking forward to going to concert choir...right now i'm on straight chill mode for real...i thought that i would spend half of lunch reading and the other half on the internet...sigh...but all i have to say is that i got a 100 on my algebra test and i pretty much have an A in that class so i'm not sweating anything...lol...what else...oh yes...so umm i'm on this faggy boy's page on BP and he is just the cutest with his louis vuitton fannie pack...

speaking louis vuitton...if i see another fake louis....no wait aminute...if i see another fake ANYTHING i think i'm going to die....lets just be original...do what u like....do u what u think is cute...not what everyone else thinks is cute...sigh...no originality these days....

i'm tired of seeing gay people everywhere i go...maybe i do need to move to a small college town for real...lol....

i need to find me prom date...i'm kind of jealous because everyone else has snowball dates and of course me i'm rolling solo...can i die tho...lol....the rehearsal yesterday wasnt as bad as i thought...so i'm not really sweating it...sigh

jeanine was out of school yesterday so i called her....i talked to this negro named thomas for a few minutes...basically hes a typical 16 year old boy...the only thing thats on his mind is sex food women, legs breasts thighs, sex, more sex, shitting, eating, sleeping, cars and sex. oh yea did i mention sex.

do u know that i was thinking what would it take for me to be in a meaningful relationship with a male...i mean i always settle for less in my relationships with females....i never get everything i want...in terms of personality and looks....u feel me.

but if i were to ever be with a male...he'd have to be perfect to me.....handsome,athletic, clean cut, goal oriented, intelligent, well spoken, loving, caring, kind, protective....damn.....i guess i just cant have it all huh.....sigh

talked to ayesha for a minute last night...shes still confused as usual so theres nothing to really say to her...lol

anyway i'll holla....peace

ok but why am i sitting here seriously listening to a preview of mariah careys whole CD and i must say that this joint is truly official....its different...not too many ballads......the second joint with the "Oh Boy" sample features Cam'ron and i must say that it is truly off da hizzook...lol....but seriously tho today was madly uneventful....yearbook club pictures...mock trial....nhs meeting....tomorrow concert choir goes to dematha like for ummm lets see....in the morning at about eight till about third period....lets go embarrass ourselves....i dont know the "star carol"....and "keresimesi q dundeo"....sounds a hot mess....we cant sing and i just dont understand why were paying 340 dollars to go and embarrass ourselves down at that festival in south carolina...its sucks seriously....anyway i'm gonna go write my reflection paper...my head itches...

oh yea i got my snowball ensemble and i must say that i am doing it....its this black shirt....see through with silk cuffs...and this lil cumberbund things...dont worry its cute and rachel i'll send u my pics if u send me yours...lol....then i got this stilletoes to go with it.....and then i got these off white slacks to go with it....yes i was determined not to wear a dress....HOW YA LIKE ME NOW! holler....gotta go do my reflection paper for religion...peace.

I'm really tired right now but i need to straight work on my opening statement for mock trial and do some questions so i dont go in there tomorrow looking like a hot mess.....thats not just good at all.....man i got so much shit to do....and i havent really accomplished anything for real....i got my outline done..one of them anyway...i got like half of my math done and then i got my essay done....fuck the crucible cuz i'm not reading shit over again....i'm just so dumb....cuz now i have to do my reflection paper tomorrow night and i actually was going to do it ahead of time....tomorrow afternoon its back to the same old shit....ya know...i have a mock trial meeting...along with an NHS meeting AND concert choir rehearsal....oh shit.....i guess i'm shit outta luck