i dont know why i'm catching spring fever and its not even warm yet? sigh...i'm really tired and bored....and i havent done an ounce of homework....is that a good thing??? i dont know, i really dont....school is going....well its just going...

relationship is growing and stable....nothing bumpy this week....just super horny and in need of some superior SEX!!!!!! LOL

mock trial tomorrow, i hope everyone does a good job....if we dont win tomorrow, i'll say we had a good season and continue on with my life

onyx club meeting on thursday and my thing is that........WHATS REALLY GOING ON?????cuz i have to present this topic and shit and i just dont understand why....sigh.....last night i called myself going to bed without typing one word of my english paper....i woke up at three and did it.....i work faster and better under pressure....it really amazes me....thoughts dont flow in my brain when i have a lot of time...i just dont understand why.....i need to stop this shit before i go to college...

talked to ms. hughes today...that woman is the MOST! lol my guidance counselor is great.......its cool to talk to an adult thats looking out for you.....i know i'm getting those bomb recommendation letters from her come next year!

shari got accepted to FORDHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! shes great, she really is....i wish i could put her in my pocket and take her out whenever i needed someone to talk to, or someone to keep me company....shes such a big little woman....shes small....but her personality is so vibrant and big....i admire that....good friends, that's what life is for!

sigh...what else....megan is getting a car...dana is a licensed driver and jeanine is having a shrimp!!!!!!! lol....

my feet are cold and i'm horny...do u see the correlation? good, cuz neither do i!

i havent done any work, just sat here on the computer and been mad unproductive, so u know what, i'm gonna go upstairs, piss and get under my sheets....i think its time to call it a day!

SeNdInG oUt MaDd ShOuTiEs AnD much love to my PEEPS!

"all ya gotta do is say yes...dont deny what u feel let me undress u baby...open up your mind and just rest...i'm about to let u know u make me so so so so so so so so...uh" Floetry "say yes"

sigh...today is ok...yesterday was really nice though....we turned off the heater for like the first time in months...but of course this morning it was right back on....

yesterday, i called myself doing homework and shit...i was proud of myself.....yesterday was pretty boring except for the fact that me and kenny talked to each other for like two hours....this man is very interesting...maybe one day we'll meet....people always ask me, "yvonne, why do u allow yourself to talk to some strange man, whose age u dont know?"...good question and i dont know.....i gave him my number that one time, and i thought he would never call back, u know....but then again he wouldnt stop calling...and the thing about it is that he's so hard to not like...hes a really friendly person.....and he hasnt freaked me out not once.....dont worry tho....if he ever and I mean ever tells me to meet him in an ally somewhere, i'm blocking his number...sike naw....we just have this strange connection, as if ive known him for such a long time....and i talk to him about anything and everything...its more like a big brother little sister relationship than anything...u know....its just that deep....i very seldom find people who i click with just like that..so when i do find things like that....i hold on to them...

my girl didnt call me last night...i guess she was really tired or something...but whatever, u know how that goes....trying to hold on to summer time...cuz something tells me that we wont be seeing each other for a while....maybe i just need to get used to that and get over the fact that this is not a relationship where things are going to be easy.....we never see each other and its not like we can help it, cuz we cant.....what are we to do then? especially when there is always temptation...and i mean ALWAYS temptation...am i strong enough to withstand all of this? i just dont know sometimes.....sigh..

man...i'm sitting here re-thinking career choices...do i really want to be a lawyer or does my father want to be one....i feel like i've been pretty much been pigeon-holed into doing something that I DONT EVEN KNOW IF I WANT TO DO....i was reading a brief for some case off the internet the other day and i was pretty much done off that because it was TOOOOOO BORING!.....i need something thats going to excite me....i mean sure, i know if i become a lawyer, then i'm going to be tight.....if i put hard work into anything i do, i'm going to be good at it...but my thing is that, i dont want to wake up every morning and dread going to work...because its not fulfilling.....sure i'm driving a jaguar, but its mostly to and from work cuz my job takes up most of my time.....its not like i'm going on leisure rides everyday.... PUHLEEEEEEEEEEZE!.....its tough being 15 and having to live up to mad expectations and shiznit, u know....why cant i just live and breathe the way i want to...

then i ask my father today, "well what if i dont want to become a lawyer? what if i go to college and find something better to do?"

he just responds with that nasty tone of voice when he says words like "social workers" and "teachers" and "underpriveledged kids", like i'm too good to work for peanuts.....thats the type of attitude thats not getting anyone anywhere.....people always say, "ure too smart to be a teacher"...ummmmmm, then who is teaching the kids?????.....i mean why cant i give back instead of taking away....all i'm doing is hurting my people....cuz more than likely, if i'm a public defender, gee wiz, theyre going to be the people who i'm trying to get off the hook....i'm not making a difference in anyones life....just my own, cuz i'm stashing big bucks in my own pocket....but how fulfilling is that if u dont really need it???

maybe i'm just being idealistic? i dont know...maybe i will go on to be a successful attorney and do my own thing....u know....and make big bucks and live in a nice house with a two car garage and a big back yard.....

my father says, "you'll make the right decision"....

he also said that when he talked about my being gay....."you'll make the right decision"

what the hell is the right decision? to be some bigshot attorney with some cheezy character for a husband, living out this fairy tale life that looks great from the outside, but when u come within the walls of our home...or fuck that, within the walls of my heart.....things just arent right!......all i want to do is be happy and fulfilled.....so if that means that i'm a social worker (GASP!!!! GOD FORBID) and i have a WIFE instead of a husband character.....SO BE IT!

"i should just hug you goodbye but i just cant walk away from paradise, so i guess i'll sing u that sweet lullaby...and we can revisit us one more time, yes i'll come home with you tonite" Mariah Carey "Lullaby"

these lil song quotes have nothing to do with anything relevant in my life....music of the moment....i can already tell that this is going to be a discursive entry...

i'm tired...pooped....finito...done....exhausted....yes this is my life and i just cant take the pressure son!.....career day today and i'm pretty much siced that i didnt have to sit in on one of the sessions, cuz all i did was walk around and shit...u know how that goes....oh well what can u do....i had a bagel tho and some calcium orange juice that shari cant stand lol.....

had concert choir practice....were sounding better and i like that fact....oh shit we have practice on monday...oh shit...anyway so umm i went on my get get mission to six flags....filled out an application and shit and umm yea got put on a waiting list...so maybe i'll just be poor this summer while i spend my time being productive and volunteering....i actually liked doing my thing at the summer camp last year....kids, hussan, mr. gui, dexter, tabitha, and of course thomas....my favorite campers were Angelique lol....and O.J.....that lil nigga was just too cool to be that little....dammit i wanted to be O.J.'s g/f....i'mma need him to give me call when he grows some underarm hair or something like that lol....

i'm done stressing....done crying on trains....crying in public...crying with my head down in my hands....tired period....i think right now, i'm just going to sit down and read some stories on kuma2 and live my life.....holla at your squad as dana says...

"che bella cosa!"

why does it feel like spring time outside....it was me cynthia/chinchilla, kady and dana riding in the explorer with the MADD bass.......JUST RIDING IN THAT BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!! it felt good as shit to come outside and chill without my coat on and not shiver....i mean it wasnt hot but it was just a little taste of spring.....the snow was stiil on the ground in some places but all of that stuff was melting....today i just felt so rejuvanated.....not while i was in school, but as soon as i hit the outside of that building i was gone!

this week hasnt been the best of weeks but u know what....u gotta go with the flow sometimes....right now i'm for real not even sweating it cuz i'm just done stressing....the more i stressing i do, the earlier i'll get gray hairs...and that aint CUTE!

i think monday night, i had a dream about ms. northrop....she handed me a piece of paper and it said that she was sending me to another class and that i couldnt be in hers....i kirked the fukk off in her joint and got madd!.....then after school i was walking along the sidewalk and she pulled up in her truck or some shit like that and told me to get in....and i got in and she talked to me..."yvonne, i just want to let you know that ure an excellent student and that i want you to excel in my class...but i need u to participate more...and it would be nice if u could stop chewing gum"...it was straight cool after that and what not...

so today i got in her class and was doing her project...i got up and started, but i was still nervous...i think at this point i havent earned ms northrop's personal title of "o learned one"....i'm still at the "girl/lady" level....so i'm still climbing the ladder... trying to reach my apex, my peak, my pinnacle in her class....i'm still not there....and oh is it hard...

ive been under alot of pressure in the last few days u know....its been pretty hard and i dont understand why....monday morning....before the "academic forum/waste of my time" lol....mrs loos wanna call me down to her room...sarah cant go up tomorrow so we need u to take her place...

oh shit....so of course, being mock trial veteran/the lawyer with the most experience, i'm supposed to take the lead.....anyway, to make a long story short, my fucking up cost us a very valuble match....and i just feel so bad.....and everyone on the team didnt make it any easier....maybe i should have just shut up and sat down.....sigh...oh well.....no one offered a ride afterward...so walked my ass to the bus stop and sat my black ass down in the dark of night waiting on the T18....left the school like 6:30 got home at like 8:45...cold and shit....got home and was super depressed.....i ate something but i couldnt even taste it...u feel me?.....then the phone rings....its kenny....does this man read my mind or does he read my mind?????

i tell u he is the only person in my life who is "always on time" like ashanti said in that damn song....so we talked till about 9:45....i fell asleep and didnt wake up until 5:15....i slept all those hours straight.....i guess i had to sleep the whole day off....thats just how serious it was...u feel me...i was just done....and there was nothing i could do about it.....so i woke up this morning and was aloof...i was here but i wasnt.....i didnt want to see anything that had to do with mock trial....i didnt really feel like interacting although i did it anyway....

anyway all in all, today was just a good recoop day....i got my shit together and umm i feel a little better....i have a big ass test tomorrow in religion and i'm fuckin around on the computer listening to celine dion and andrea bocelli sing "the prayer"...shari said it was a good song...and it has to grow on me...but i like it...

why am i still on the computer...cuz i'm talking to this child and she wont let me go...i swear to beans...the price u pay to make someone else happy!....tryna get a job on friday.....all teachers who wanna stay after and catch up can suck my DICK!....lol

my relationship is going.....its iight....nothing too exciting.....shes not in the best of situations....i cant help someone if the cant help themselves.....or at least try....so i'm not even gonna sit here and stress about it cuz i've stressed too much...remember, no premature gray hairs!......anyway, i love it so much!....sigh....i really feel like doing some homework and studying for this religion joint...boo to ms. dienno cuz she got us doing essays and shit in one hour....if i talk about human dignity one more TIME!....all i need to know is WHy and i MEAN why havent i taken a shower yet......i need to jump in that thing and cleanse the day off my body......gotta be fresh for them books BABY....

gotta send the shouties to MY FRIEND (how many of those do i really have?), ADRIANE, who is coming to do her spring break thing next week....I MISS YOU AND LOVE U....and i CANT WAIT TILL U COME BACK....

she sent me a letter today and it was really nice to hear from her....

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Y.C.

"Everybody's like 'he's no item, please dont like him".....