another uneventful day in the life of a girl.....sigh....

i'll make it brief folks....i woke up...struggled to get out of the damn bed....went to school....bullshitted through most of my classes....avoided my girlfriend at all costs....listened to symphony in my hungry stomach while i cranked out the rest of presidential outline in the computer lab during lunch (i didnt even finish dammit).....forged a couple of signatures....came home....wasted two hours of my life on this damn computer. life is grand i tell ya. life is grand.

staring off into space isn't fun...

why do i not have ANY motivation to do ANY work...school is becoming more and more irrelevant...as the days go by...i find myself being MORE of a fucking procrastinator than i already am...for those who know me, i have a 3.98 so what the fuck am i complaining about huh?...well of course i cant finish off the year with a 3.8 (GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).....just typing it made my finger twitch!....RIIIIIGHT.....ANYWAY....i'm sitting here being a wasteful hunnie, looking at my empty bowl with traces of chicken flavored noodle juice....yes folks this is the life i live...

i knew i wasn't going to get any work done from the moment i stepped in my house...this damn computer has got a sister fucked up. the next time someone says "dude, i'm gettind a DELL" just laugh at them and understand that the computer will be they're life. maybe its cuz i've never had a tight computer in my life. the first joint i got had window's 95 and i had that joint till this year. yes, i am ashamed. please do not taunt me. wordpad was my friend forever and a day. lol. sike naw. but i always go to the same websites and do the same things. even when it gets bored i refuse to get offline, and then i just start making up addresses and shit. what type of mess is this? all i have to say is total confusion? ANYWAY....i'm just bored, and i really should be looking up "deregulations" for my reagan outline, but you know what, YVONNE DOESN'T CARE ANYMORE!!!

i really am trying folks, but no one seems to give me that motivation. i think i'm most motivated by pressure. like if i have a lot riding on something, then no doubt this chick is going to perform to her best ability. but if shit seems irrelevant, i don't really care. i care about my school work, but the pressure is just not on. don't worry, tomorrow night i'm coming home and doing this reflection paper for religion. then the next night i'm going to do the atmosphere paragraph for Ethan Frome, and then make up some hours for my service. Then i gotta do that reflection paper. for real i'm just trying to get this week over with. it just seems to be like the road block in the way of smooth sailing for the next four weeks. school school school. WHY IS THIS GOING TO SEEM LIKE THE LONGEST FOUR WEEKS OF MY LIFE????????? i just don't know at all?

the first day back from school hasn't really been that bad for real. i mean it was cool. people were congratulating me and whatnot. lots of handshakes and acknowledgement from teachers at the beginning of class.

in religion we started talking about something OTHER THAN HUMAN DIGNITY!!!!!! for those of you that dont understand, humand dignity has been at the core of every single fucking discussion in religion class this year. so when i'm in religion and i don't know the answer to a question on a test....i just put human dignity in the blank. seems shrewd enough right? anyway, we started talking about relationships and "dating." since no one really has a set definition of what dating really "is" then we pretty much had an ambigious discussion about an ambivalent (did i spell that right?) topic. chicks were talking about playing "games", "control", "pimpin", and all that shit. i expressed the fact that i thought the whole idea of "dating" was retarded and quite stupid. it's for girls. yes i'm a girl. i'm just different. i guess playing mind games with niggas and fucking around isn't my idea of fun. i dont find pleasure out of having a bunch of dudes that i can call up and have them do whatever i ask them. i dont think its fun to take advantage of niggas or girls for that fact. dont let the name fool u, i dont really fucks with dudes like that...........BUT I WONT TOUCH ON THAT! but seriously, i'm not the type to play females either, u feel me? i mean even if u're not in a serious relationship, i think its cool to have friends. there's nothing wrong with having one or two chicks that u feel comfy with. but when u have this "mind game" complex where u have to run shit and play with people's feelings, then it just isnt' cool anymore. i dont see anything wrong with having a long term relationship in high school. most of the time, its not something that ure looking for, it just happens. that person grows on you. u dont ask to be scooped up. what's wrong with saying to someone "lets do this thing exclusively for a while and see where it goes?"....i personally believe that pimpin distracts one from the more important aspects of high school life...such as hey.....SCHOOL!....if half of those heffas werent stuck on adding names to their little black book, they'd be almost where I am...not to sound cocky or anything....but that's seton bitches for you........fuck them.

my fingers hurt
holla

right now: i am downloading one of my favorite songs- "Trippin" by Total....damn when are they going to make a comeback????

the last few days have been.....well lets take it from the top....

when we last spoke i was headed off to my mock trial state championship competition in Annapolis, Md. well that i did. actually on wed., i headed over to my mother's house to see if she could lend me a jacket. i knew this wasn't going to work because my mother is 5,9 and i'm 5,4.....riiiiiight. so anyway i take the metro to silver spring then take the bus from there to the general vicinity of her apartment. she picks me up from the bus stop and then starts bull shitting me about a fight that me and my father had. appearantly, my father told my mother about some stupid ass beef we had and now my mother is interested. she expected me to tell her everything and i pretty much didn't feel like it. anyway, we're in the car and she's telling me that i should apologize to my father (like she really cares) and i'm sitting there looking out the window. riiiiiiiight. she drops me off at school for practice and i end up yelling at her while i'm getting out the car. why the fuck does she have to make everyone else's life miserable?

so on wednesday we had mock trial practice and the following day, i took the metro to school. the whole team geared up and loaded our lucky seton bus # 3 and we headed out to Annapolis. first we unloaded our stuff at the Raddison and chilled in the lobby with the three other teams. after some mindless chatter and useless introductions, the four semi-finalist teams went to the circuit court in annapolis. of course i felt like we had something to prove because we were going against an all white team from Frederick County. not only did we win the merits of the case in that match but we also won the match!.....so after the match we went back to the hotel where we had dinner. let me explain. dinner. sigh. tacos with ground beef floating in their grease....jalepeno peppers...onions...refried beans....guacamole.....sour cream.....and a whole lot of gas the next day!!!!!! oh my shit lol. they did a coin toss to see which team was going to be plaintiff or defense the next day. by the way, we were set to play Bishop Walsh High School from Allegany County. They were in fact the wild card team and were not circuit champions. the coin toss said that we were to be plaintiff the next day so of course we were excited! lol. anyway we had a twenty minute practice in mrs. loos' room and then we were off.

melanie and i went back to our rooms and we pretty much chilled after that. the next part is edited for content so lets talk about the next day.

i woke up to GAS......tacos are not my friend i have decided. lol. we had breakfast, cracked some jokes, laughed and acted ghetto lol. then of course we headed out to the Court of Appeals near the circuit court. Ten minutes before the match i was in the bathroom pooping my life away or at least trying to!.......i head into the court room and the little bishop walsh bastards are sitting there. they were too smug for me. they werent even that good. they had like one really good guy on their team. but anyway we won by one point making us the 2002-2003 mock trial state champions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so for the last couple of days i've been pretty much bull shitting and not getting my work done. but i've decided that i need to get it together for this upcoming month. i mean school is not over and this week i have MAD work to do for real. and that's no fuckin joke. from papers to service hours to paragraphs. its pretty much not a game. anyway, i'm going to get it together. today i have to read a whole book and answer questions on it. then i have a long ass presidential outline to do. don't worry folks, you know how i roll, and it will get done. even if i have to wake up tomorrow and do it. lol. holla.

edited for content...

sigh...just sitting here being bored as usual...

folks you know i'm bored when i write more than one entry a day....sigh...being listless while listening to celine dion "all by myself"....how appropriate....i know i know....

six months together.....YAY...and we're going out tomorrow...isn't love a beautiful thing lol?....longest relationship i've ever been in...but i'm still young..

sigh....am i deep? is this the new thing, being "deep?"....does that mean that you rock thrift store shirts, and wear black, red, and green arm bands with black silhouettes of Africa on them..is that the new thing to do? or maybe i should get some of those dreadlocks like everyone else who's claiming they're newfound "deepness"....everyone has dreadlocks now...getting them used to make a statement...it was almost like taking a stand against ____________ (fill in the blank)....going nappy used to mean shaking your head in disapproval to society's damaging straight hair ideal of beauty....i've played into it and guess what: 99% of black women in this country have also....but now, getting dreads is the new thing to do....every ghetto hoochie and her mama wants some....what's left for those who have used the natural hairstyle as a method of rebellion?????....niggers know how to mess up a good thing....shit...

but i digress....so back to being "deep".....what should i do? should i write poetry? that's always been considered the deep thing to do...but i don't like to write poetry....don't get me wrong I LOVE TO WRITE...but a few itty bitty words just won't hit the spot...i need more time, more thoughts, more words to create scenes and clearly defined images in one's mind in order to convey my message. a few stanzas don't do it for me....although i understand that the power of poetry is just that....it can concisely convey a message, and present the same effect of something much longer....so what?...do i have to go to poetry readings and drink starbucks coffee....buy into the commercialism of it all...dammit everyone's trying to make a fucking dollar...i can't stand it....

should i do the whole afrocentric thing? why should i....i am african...i don't have to pretend like i'm one....i don't have to latch on to a culture that's not mine...because it is mine...i was reared with the values, customs, and beliefs....i understand my language...i wear my traditional dress...i eat the delicious food.......i am africa....i don't have to put on a show...am i too african to do the afrocentric thing...do i have to present some stale, unreal black power version of myself sporting a fro, some cowrie shells and a tightly clenched fist....NIGGERS PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!! i feel sorry for black people in this country...no identity because to no fault of their own, they've lost their unique culture....the few who do seek enlightenment beyond the dismal reality of their oppression in this "sacred land" fail to fully comprehend the beauty of the motherland....they throw on the clothes, cease to perm their hair, and expect to assimilate into a way of life which not only they have forgotten, but has forgotten them. africa doesn't know who this nigger is....africa doesn't want you...not until you full cleanse your mind, your spirit, your fucking psyche, and totally understand the magnitude of your misfortunes...only then will the motherland take you back and love you like the prodigal sons and daughters that you are....

Niggers, can u please tell me what the fuck deep really is? or are you too shallow to look beyond the garb, the fists, the shells, the black, red and green, the masses of uncombed hair, to really know why you so anxiously rebel against a system which has kept you down for so long. past your shouts of "black power" and endless looting of your own neighborhoods, have you gone deep enough to TRULY know why you are so fucking angry....it's in there somewhere...after you dig deeper for those answers, then tell me you are deep....then i will acknowledge you like mother africa...then i will embrace your efforts to reconnect the umbilical cord so ruthlessly severed as the distance between ship and shore grew...can u feel me?

holla at your brown eyed bandit

easter sunday and i'm sitting here listening to Aerosmith...right

hmm it feels good to know that i don't have to do anything today...usually on sunday's its all about getting my work together...or mustering up enough will power to do some fucking work...

i feel bitter right now...i've pretty much decided that it doesn't really matter when i get my learner's permit cuz i'm not getting my driver's license for a long ass time....so fuck it....i'm eligible for a permit on April 29....right...won't be getting that bad boy until pretty much never...i gave up on drving a long time ago...my father never has time to take my to practice....my mother cant get a job so that means that even if i do have my license, i won't be driving anything but the metro bus...i just have to face the reality of these things...so lets just cut the jokes....i'm not pressed to drive anymore, i'll just ask people for rides all the time...isn't that what life is all about anyway lol....whatever...

i'm done

sitting here waiting for this song to download which is taking like forever and a day...

"if i was a bird" by Floetry...

why don't i just stop being cheap and go ahead and get the CD? i don't know, maybe it's cuz i'm fresh out of cash. but one thing i have noticed about myself is that i have this passion for food. other people will spend extravagant amounts of money on shoes and clothes...i spend what little i have on food...if i'm down to my last three or four dollars, i know all the best buys at the carryouts...i know the menus like the fucking back of my hand or something like that...weird, i know. the thing is that i eat so much and i never gain weight. maybe its cuz i'm young and my metabolism just hasn't caught up with me. or maybe it's cuz i'm just genetically inclined to stay this weight. either way it really doesn't matter because these bad eating habits are catching up with me. and guess what i'm doing after my song downloads and my brother leaves. i'm taking a nice little walk to the carryout....three wings, french fries, and mumbo sauce, GOD I'M SICK...

in other news...
so on thursday, the last day before spring break, Ms. Cook calles me into her office...now of course whenever Ms. Cook calls you into her office...and then shuts the door behind you, there has to be something going on. i kinda figured what it was but you know me, i always gotta play it cool!

so i sit down in the nice comfy chair...guidance offices are a trip...and she starts talking..i ask her what this is about and tell her that i know its something bad. she says no its nothing bad.....just something interesting. AKA bad. so anyway, she starts telling me how she's concerned about the upcoming mock trial matches on thursday and friday because me and megan will be in a room together. ok...what's the deal? well she's been hearing concerns about our behavior on the band/choir trip and she wants to know what's going on. hmmm....my face, expressionless as always doesn't really give on to the thoughts running through my head. who said something? how many people? students or administrators....anyway she just warns me and advises that i be a little more discreet...which is true...i think in the past few months we have let ourselves go. well i have. i used to be so uptight about us, and now that i figure that everyone know's, has a hunch, or has at least caught on, then i don't really care anymore....go figure. so i leave the office feeling somewhat ____________ (fill in the blank, cuz anything will fit in there lol). i'm just relieved that it was a warning..nothing more nothing less...i feel as though Ms. Cook was somehow looking out for me....

spring break is just a bunch of day when i get to sleep late. nothing really exciting for MOI! but i like sleeping late...i slept till three yesterday and now i feel refreshed! u feel me! what's really going on....

relationship tip....i'm liking it alot...i'm really feeling it.....i'm happy...FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE! lol....i just feel good...how long is this going to last...i don't know but i've been on an unusually long high...sigh....

"every time you say you're coming/ boy you disappoint me honey/how when u forgot when you were down, I was around" I Wish I didn't Miss you- Angie Stone

hmm yea i'm sitting here on the computer waiting for my songs to download...for some reason that Talib Kweli joint "Get By" is like the hottest ish right now......listen to the lyrics folks...he'll take you away....i'm also trying to get some Me'Shell Ndegeocello...cuz u KNOW thats my GIRL!!!!!!

speaking of my girl...oh my how things are going well...i'm really happy right now....i think that trip was just what we needed....it was nice....we didnt get to sleep in the same room but every time there was a spare moment we were together....that made up more than enough for our three month dry spell...that should never happen, especially when you see someone every day but hey what can u do? i dont know.....we ate breakfast and dinner together.....shopped together...we couldn't hold hands but u know, i like just spending time with her....we slept together on the bus...held each other.......laid in silence in the bed, just listening to each other breathe....damn love is a beautiful thing...and u know what, this sunday is our six month anniversary....damn i cant believe its been that long....but then again six months sounds so short...hmmm i dont know...i just know that its sort of like we rekindled our love....i think that we go through these cycles in our relationships and right now we're at the point where we are beginning again...i love it and i love her.....

sigh what else...hmm yea lets talk about how i'm pretty much falling off in school and i just cant take the pressure....this is too much for me.....when i wanna answer two out of twenty questions on Northrops quiz and then pretty much sleep through the whole thing thats when i said cut the jokes.....i'm slummin and i knew it when i got back that 79 in chemistry....i was like what the fuck is going on here....yea i'm having too much fun...and that's all i have to say about that....

dana and kendra are like a little match made in heaven...i still think tiffany was perfect for her...but then again grown ass women love to play those childish ass games....GROW UP HOES!

looking for colleges....mock trial state championships next week....see you in annapolis!!!!!!!!!! 24 and 25 be there or be square....lol...if i practice those damn questions one more time i think that i'm going to freak the fuck out....lets not kill it folks...dammit i tell u.....i cant take this kind of pressure....

my neck hurts and these damn songs are taking way too long to download....i love that TALIB KWELI JOINT...its soooooooooo tight........thats why its taking forever and a day cuz i know my dell is not that SLOW!

gotta go my lovers

holla at ya Brown Eyed Bandit-

lets make this quick

went down to myrtle beach....owwwwww.....pretty much hot disappointed.....long bus rides...rain.....horny....mm mm mm.....tired...have a project due tomorrow and guess what i havent started....shit shit shit shit...

i wanna hit the bed but let me get started on these cardinal virtues...oh my.....can i live can i breathe?....maybe i pretty much cant...lets just cut the jokes....

"can you live with it/loving me for life/to have and hold forever/baby ride or die/till death do us part/lets make this last forever?"

why is that song stuck in my head...oh well cuz it pretty much doesnt matter anymore

i'm in school right now, hungry as ever...why don't i just eat you may wonder....i guess it's cuz i'm stingy and don't feel like dropping money on some junk food that's not even gonna sustain me for more than three hours...

i have to sit through the talent show today and i hope this is going to be funny....it will never compare to all the ones we've had in the past of course...because what is a talent show without MAZEL JONES????? ARGGHHHHHHHH

to my SETON hunniez: can you "paint with all the colors of the wind?
I DIDN'T THINK SO! lol

but seriously tho....we can never again capture the essence of the moment when the curtains were drawn back and there was Mazel, in all her beautiful glory....(ick)...straddling the chair, singing.........u guessed it...a gospel song....PRAISE GOD!

i'm done on that note...

the year is steadily winding down and i'm pretty much unwinding....no work is getting done...last night istayed up for the Tennessee and UCONN game...my girls from Tennessee didn't pull through but you know what, i got some mad love for them...its all good...it was great to see some of the old players fromt the team come out and support....Swin Cash and Sue Bird who graduated from UCONN last year were in the audience and so was Chamique Holdsclaw who had on her orange shirt in support of her old team the Lady Vols....i love women's basketball....so although Tenn. didn't win last night, i'm looking forward to the upcoming WNBA draft and of course the approaching basketball season...where i can support my girls: T-Spoon, Nikki Teasley, Tamika Catchings, Dawn Staley, Chamique Holdsclaw, and last but OF COURSE NOT LEAST Ms. Sheri Sam!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway i pretty much don't feel like getting deep today so what i'm going to do is read some other people's thoughts because you know how i love to get into other people's heads...and after that maybe i'll grab a bite to eat...

holla at the brown eyed bandit

"its just emotions taking me over"

sigh....out of 125 teams....our team is one of the four left! we are going to the state championships...but guess what...i'm pretty much hot bloated! sigh but what can u do about that....its just that i have like this super uncomfortable gas and its just not hitting the spot..

pretty much oh yea when i thought we lost...i have to say that something is going terribly wrong...this time even melanie thought that we had lost and i pretty much thought that too...but somehow we pretty much pulled through

only one more day till myrtle beach...do i think i can take it...i dont think i can...

right now kids, i have to go do something about this gas cuz its really blowing me...i guess thats what i get for eating after i havent eaten all day long...holla at your squad...PEACE

i'm saying tho, do i have to write poetry to be deep?

i like writing short stories....does that make me unofficial....hmm just a thought....till next time...

i'm sorry i cant meet your standards and be Emily Dickinson meets Alice Walker with the Robert Frost twists...oops maybe next time....

till we meet again my lovers
-the brown eyed bandit


-the Brown Eyed Bandit

mock trial match today...

right now i'm in school...Ms. Askey just called my father and gave him directions...RIGHT...and thats all i have to say about THAT....i'm hungry so i hope that we stop on the way and get something to eat...right now i'm sitting here like mad bojangling cuz i pretty much dont wanna do any work...tryna get my hair done and what not...

hopefully if my father sees me tonight he'll be inspired to give me some more money for myrtle beach cuz right now i'm pretty much not working with alot...lets just cut the jokes....sigh......the countdown begins...i need a break cuz right now i'm falling apart at the seams...this is just too much for me to handle and i cant take the pressure

havent been able to call u rachel (i'm sorry) so much shit has been going on and i just cant find those precious moments to tell u about my life story dawg lol....but u know i still love you

why did dana get some on saturday from this fine girl named kendra....damn she was NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE......mm mm mm

moving on...yea i'm in school during lunch and i pretty much have to go ahead and do my french project so umm holla at your girl later...maybe were going to the state championship and maybe we're not....everyone else believes in us...i think that we've done well even if we dont make it...and i love mock trial...MY DADDY'S COMING SO IT REALLY DOESNT MATTER!...HOLLA

damn its been a long time...almost like a month

"if i ran away,i'd never have the strengh to go very far" Madonna "Live To Tell"

sigh....its been a long time i shouldnt have left u without a dope entry to step to....but hey u know how that goes....not much going on...u know me....i have my ups and downs...its pretty much the same old bull shit so i knew that u guys were getting tired of it....same old boring shit every day...kinda turns u off doesnt it...

besides, the intrigue is gone for my regular readers (u know who u are), tryna figure out who the mystery woman is...."farrah" and i will "celebrate" six months on the 20th.....was it all worth it...sometimes i wonder...

am i 100% happy???? i'll say i'm 60% happy 50% of the time...harsh figures, i know i know....lol

oh yea, i need u to bow down and worship this mock trial circuit champ...u know u wanna kiss my pinky toe! lol

hmm got some sex...regretted it....what more is there to tell...wont go into detail...i just hope next time will be better.....i just feel so bad that we waited for so long and then the first time we do it...we just did it...it wasnt special or anything.....sorta like a quick fuck...theres plenty of time for that, u know? am i just an idealist, or cant i have candles and dinner and music and shit...instead i get a stuffy ass room, with lil rugrats knocking on the door....thats the best!

school is going great...i dont know...the less i work, the better grades i get....3.987 third quarter...the bastards wont give me the damn like .02 of a point...suck my dick FOR REAL!.....hmm what else

myrtle beach is coming up in three days....between then i got madd work to do and a sistah is feeling unusually BORED!.....sigh i'm not even horny anymore....is that a wonder....

STOP!!!!!!!!

saw goddess at the track meet the other day........and thats all i'm going to say about that!

i miss adriane sooooooooooo much...miss those sunday afternoon/evening conversations before i did my homework.....shes coming home soon...dana's going to bucknell....another lost one.....what about me.....i dont like my class...i have associates but no real friends except megan....everyone else is doing their own thing and i dont blame them...i dont make a perfect fit with everyone...i'm really hard to get along with....i cant even deal with myself sometimes so how would i expect someone else to do the same.

jeanine said the sweetest thing to me the other day: "you know i would give u the shirt off my back babe"
damn what are friends for!

got a mock trial match on tuesday in elicott city....if we win this one, we go to the state....and thats pretty much all i have to say about that!...WOOOO HOOO...melanie, girl we're gonna try to get you your sweatshirt...and maybe some jackets if were lucky...all i want is a coffee mug...even though i dont drink coffee.....ANYWAY

i told my girl i'd call her back in five and its been like fifty....HOLLA