i will forever wonder if i let go of a good thing and i didn't even know it...."any regrets?" some might ask.....

i wont lie

"yes a few"

but looking into the past is over....but everytime i look into her eyes, i cant help but go back...

"good friends" she says....

so i'm just another one of those...

why should i be some greedy and ask to be something else...

i relegated myself to that position in her life through my own actions...

this is what i wanted right?

right.

"good friends"

i told her she could tell me anything....let's be truthful....

she's concerned about this new job, because of some ummm...pre-requsites....she told me she ceased a long time ago.....way back a few months after we got together.....she knows i don't approve.....but then again, who am i to her?

i no longer matter anymore....well i don't matter how i used to....

i'm a "good friend"

it's funny how u go from being so much to a person, to just a "good friend"....

not great, not superb, not best....

"good"....

damn.....i feel like crying....

i did it to myself....

i cant be selfish....

from lover....to "good friend"

should i feel insulted? no. more hurt than anything....the acceptance will come later...

i've become a good friend...

i'm in the same category as "her"....sherise...if that's how u spell it....now THAT's an insult....

get over it Yvonne....you're so melodramatic......get over it....

krystin, i need a hug
rachel i need a call
dana i need a laugh
melanie i need some guidance
jeanine i need some light
adriane i need a release
megan i need a 'good friend'

right

i think the weather has been on an emotional rollercoaster or something...either that or it's been on serious crack, because this is the worst may that i've ever seen...

ok side note. i've made a resolution to try and stop putting all these damn "dot dot dots" in my writing. we'll give it a go today and see if it works. lol.

never mind, i don't like it...

so the weather has been on major crack lately. i think today is the first sunny day about 75 degrees that we've had in the washington area and i'm thankful. unfortunately, it's not like i'm going to go out and enjoy it or anything. i'm going to to go home and lay in my bed after sucking on some soup...cramps are so killing me right now and i set myself up because i didn't bring any pain killers...well actually i couldn't bring any pain killers at all because within the last month, my father has taken it upoin himself to use all of my perscription Ibuprofen....800 mg a pop....dammit, those shits worked too....now i'm sitting here writhing in pain...but it's not bad enough that i can't keep my fans updated....

melanie im'ed me yesterday and called me an anti-social honie lol....riiiiiight....but seriously i think she's right....being anti-social is the way to be...i should keep it up because it's going to keep me out of a whole bunch of trouble...

i wonder what krystin is doing right now.....everytime i think of her in a blue mini skirt i just have to laugh because it sooooo doesn't fit her personality....

i wish i was really good at web design because if i was, i'd change this crap that i call my journal....i usually just use the templates that blogger gives to me, but these are getting pretty boring...i remember that i had the lime green one with the fruit...and rachel brought it to my attention that it was symbolic of my fruityness.....riiiiight....katrell called me a faggy last night...hmmm just because i said that i wore my rainbow earrings to school yesterday....wtf? i wouldn't consider myself to be flaming...actually i'd like it if most people didn't know i was gay....it just brings a bunch of issues with it. professionally, i would prefer not to disclose my sexuality at all...i think being in an environment at seton, where most people are cool about it, i really don't care who knows. but i remember a few months ago, when i disclosed my sexuality to Ms. Cooke, she was totally and completely supportive; however, she made sure to warn me that not everyone else is. and of course i know this...my own father told me that i was going to be a disappointment....so why should i expect anything more from people who don't know me.....sigh...this is the life i live....

gosh, i gotta go....the cramping....the cramping....the cramping...i cant take the pressure....i shouldn't have spent 4 bucks on mcdonalds this morning cuz now i only have like 50 cents left after spending it on metro....

hey one last thing! THE DIXIE CHICKS ARE COMING TO THE MCI CENTER ON JUNE 25 AND 26! JEANINE AND I ARE GOING TO GO WATCH THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANT WAIT!!!!!!

holla

hi all of my fans...how are u doing? i'm doing quite lovely, as a matter of fact....but no...that isn't what u want to hear...

u don't want to hear about my day
u don't want to hear about my mother
u don't want to hear about my emotions
u don't want to hear about my inner thoughts

no no no no, never that....what u want is the dirt!....u want the nitty gritty, don't you? u want the the juicy stuff, like who, what, where, when, why, and how, so u can talk about it amongst yourselves, and then give me accusing looks like i've done something wrong...sigh....i'm tired...i'm a firm believer that u can never have a good thing for long...i put this thing up cuz i just wanna give people a little insight into me...i believe that my thoughts flow freer from my fingers than from my mouth or my actions....therefore, i get a little more thorough in here....but lately, some people have read my journal and have twisted shit up....i can't really say mind your business, because i put my business online, so of course i'm going to receive comments...but first thing monday morning, i don't want to come into school and be fuckin interrogated like a criminal....if u have comments, keep them to yourself....please.

cried myself to sleep last night with "dangerously in love" by destiny's child on repeat in the background....is something wrong with me? i think so....

i don't have long distance on my phone...isn't that wonderful? sigh...i'm done....i just feel all around shitty....i don't have any energy and i'm depressed....is there something wrong with me? i seem to be having these bouts of depression like every week now....

is it cuz i don't have any friends? is it cuz i'm antisocial by choice? is it cuz i'm tired of high school and all the shit that comes with it? is it because i just got out of relationship? i don't know.......

5:42 p.m. sitting here listening to Aerosmith "Dream On"......the guitar sounds so haunting...this song is creepy...

it's been a boring week as always...i'm just trying to survive until then end of may...then if i can make it through exams then that will be super...and i mean SUPER! lol....

yesterday, i got an accepatance letter from Notre Dame for that African American Catholic Youth Leadership Conference...Cynthia told me about it in april and i rushed ms. hughes before spring break to write me a tight azz recommendation...(she loves me sooooooo much!)....i really didn't think i got into it, because they said they would notify accepted students around mid-may....and well, mid-may came and went, and i accepted the fact that i wasn't good enough to get into the program...i mean, it's highly selective, first of all.....only forty students get accepted out of hundreds of applicants....so of course i feel really special...this year overall has been one big piece of fluffy chocolate cake...i haven't faced rejection...no one and i mean no one has turned me down...everything i've wanted i've gotten...i really feel spoiled, because i know in real life, things aren't going to run this smoothly....

i've had alot of time lately to ponder about my future, but nevermind cuz i do that all the time....i always say that i will not have children, but i have so much love to give, that i know one day my maternal instinct will kick in...the only question is "who will i have my children with?".....the hot topic in religion the past few days has been sexual morality and the question about "openess to new life" in regards to birth control, artificial insemination, and non-marital sex (including homosexual sex)....the catholic church teaches the a homosexual orientation is moral; however, the sexual activity is immoral because non-marital sex is not allowed....and the church does not recognize the union between two people of the same sex.....even though two people of the same sex are capable of feeling the same bond, having the same love, and wanting the same lifetime commitment....sigh....

so along the lines of children, i don't know what to do...if i marry a man, then of course, there will be no problem right? lol....but if i commit myself to a woman, then what are we to do? do we adopt? do we try to get pregnant artificially? sigh....decisions decisions....i know one thing, when i have my children, they will never have to want for anything....they will be well taken care of...not spoiled, but taken care of...there is a difference....i can't wait to instill in my children the values and ideals that my father instilled in me at an early age, and for which i will be eternally greatful....i can't wait to tell them about their rich culture and ancestry, and let them know that they are american, yes, but they are a true "african" american....i my daughters and sons to be proud of themselves, and know that with hard work and determination in this country, nothing can impede them....

why am i getting all preachy? lol.....seriously, i was looking at krystin's school on the internet...roland park country school....damn....i feel poor by only looking at the website lol....i cant wait to send my children to the BEST schools that money can buy...truthfully, that's one of the best things that my father has done for me...of course, realistically, my father couldn't afford to send me to Georgetown Visitation, or Sidwell Friends, or National Cathedral Girl's School....but he's busting his ass sending me to a good solid school where i'm thriving....alot of people question my decision to opt for a catholic school instead of a public one.....but i know myself...i know the type of environment in which i'm comfortable....i know what i'm dedicated to first and foremost and that is my education...nothing else really matters right now, because i'm so intent on gaining the fundamental skills and abilities which will take me into the future...not only have i grown intellectually during my time at seton, but i've also grown spiritually and as an all around person....i've become an active leader....i've made a name for myself, and gained the respect of not only my peers but also my teachers......and that feels good....going to that school has opened up so many different opportunites that i don't know how to handle it all at times...sigh.....i'm just grateful and i know that one day i will repay my father....


as for my mother...well that's a different story....when i become a parent, i hope that i will be nothing like her...not to say that she's the worst parent in the world...i know she loves all three of us, but her personality is remote and very weird....and regretfully, i see alot of myself in her...we're both stubborn and don't like to take advice....i hate to say it, but that's been her downfall....being headstrong is fine, but there comes a time when u have to step back and let others lead the way....let yourself or the right people lead you in the right direction....i'm not going to say that i regret her getting pregnant and having my brother because i love my youngest brother to death...but things would have been much different if he wasn't here...but i wont go there....sigh....my mother had a near death experience immediately after having him.....she was in the hospital for months...and that was the worst time of my life.....the absolute worst time of my life......thinking about it brings me to tears...to see such a strong woman in a hospital bed...unable to move, unable to speak....that rocked me and i thought nothing at all could shake me.....

her illness was to me, a big wake up call as to my own mortality....i got the message from God, that He is ultimately in control....it put alot of things back into perspective....but i don't think it did for her.....because she's still the same old person, if not worse...she doesn't listen....it didn't get her anywhere then, why would it matter now? sigh.....i do so many good things for my school and my community....and yet it's thankless....i could be causing her STRESS galore....i could be a whore, running the streets, not doing well in school.......i don't think she understands how blessed she is to have me....and yet she doesn't reach out to me....she literally told me in these exact words "i don't care"....well damn....then why should i? why should i? sigh....u don't say those things, because seriously, it's made me look at her in an entirely new light....if i didn't have my father, i cant really say that i'd be going to seton....i can't say that i'd have anyone to come to my mock trial matches....or anyone to come see me perform in gospel and concert choir.....no one would care....

u always should have hope for the future...generally i'm a pessimistic person and i'm overly cynical...i don't trust anyone....but i have hope that one day my mother will come to her senses and realize all of her blessings....they say "count your blessings" and i don't think she's done that yet, so she can't fully appreciate them...or maybe she values the wrong things....sigh

sigh, i'm in one of those blah moods....i can't really wait to see krystin..........I JUST CAN'T WAIT! lol....even though getting to Baltimore is a "get get mission" lol, i'm more than willing to hop on that MARC train for just a little time with her....wink wink lol.....i don't think it's gonna be the sixth though because i have that AP dinner...definitely the week after i'm available...then the week after that, i start working at school....

i'm wondering about me and megan....we talk everynight....like it was when we were together....i don't feel wrong, or ashamed, or weird....i'm actually happy that we can be civil without emotions coming in....i can't deal with those....do i miss her? yes, but is this for the best? yes..."if you love something let it go...."....de'vonne is under the impression that i never loved her....it shouldn't be past tense because i LOVE her right now....she's just her lol....i actually admire her because of her personal inner strength and resillience...i have that too, but she's shown such fortitude on such a broad level, because she's survived so many things....i care for her, but deep down inside, i don't believe she's the right person who can give me everything i need.....so for now, we'll talk every night like old times lol and go out to movies (like always) and before we get off the phone at night we'll say "i love you" because that's the nature of relationship....i like it this way....

as for now...i'm looking towards the future....(it looks promising, but jeanine says don't rush into anything)....i'm taking my time with krystin....nothing rushed....nothing at all....and i like going at this pace.....

i'm out

brown eyed bandit

i don't like writing in here anymore...whatever...

i swear to GOD she's like my twin...the other half of my brain or something....lol

xoxoxoxoxooxoxo

sigh....

right now i just feel incomplete...like i've been out of the loop and i'm trying my best to get back in....i pretty much missed two days of school and now i'm sitting here trying to play that CATCHUP....

whatever...

i've done some weird things in the past few days....getting out of relationships then turning around and doing the same thing over again....wtf??? this is why i always wonder if i'm on the muthafuckin pipe?

leave a disappointment only to get caught up in it again?....things look promising for the future, maybe i should just stop being skeptical about the whole situation....

since my journal has been saturated with so many fucking fans (i love you guys....not!)....i feel like i have to speak in codes....i really do...i'm thinking about discontinuing things...Elizabeth, please don't print anymore of my journal out, just for the sake of courtesy...

i have this metal taste in my mouth and i'm not enjoying it too much...

she said she can make me happy, but it's the same old thing, all over again...sigh.....setting myself UP!!!! why why why why "never can say goodbye...."....

i wonder if i have long distance on my cell phone...cuz all i need is for my father to go boinkers on my ass when he sees the bill...won't that be more than lovely...lol...let's cut the jokes...i don't know, cuz dana called kendra on my phone the other day and there weren't any problems....sigh...i mean besides calling krystin i'm gonna wanna talk to everyone who's going off to school, like dana and adriane...i love my friends...sigh

speaking of friends, i feel like i've been neglecting my good ones...i think i've been more like ignoring the ones who will straight tell me about my ass............SHIT! RACHEL I'M SORRY....u're prolly like "uh huh, whateva Vonney" lol....i know i know i know, i'm the worst friend u've ever had, and if wasn't for you, our friendship would come to like a crash and burn...then there's JEANINE! sigh, i just feel like i've neglected chick so much it's not even funny.....she knows i love her sooooooooooooooooooooo much....that's like my lil white tomboy best friend phatty girl/man to hug on when things aren't going right....i tried to call her but i guess she was making those pizzas and taking those orders at three brothers....the girl is such a hard worker lol...

speaking of that new journal- melanie and rachel are the only ones who'll have the key to it.....they're the only ones i trust that read my journal......and melanie, remember *i'm like the mafia* K???? lol....don't give me those looks of disdain in class while we're talking about Gatsby.....sigh, i'm ashamed! but it FEELS SO GOOD!....i'm mean...

i need a car....i need to learn how to exploit people with cars....i cant be wasting 5 bucks a day on the public transpo that takes for fucking ever, when that can go to a tank of gas.....sigh, i hate being disadvantaged....some people don't deserve some things, and yet they have them.....oh god i feel like i'm going onto depressed mode...

why did shamikia call me like three days in a row last week...that BITCH....i thought she knew that after last summer we were done...i don't care if the bitch had a psychological disorder....she fucked with my life and i'm still bitter....sigh......why ME?

ayesha IM'ed me like this weekend, and she was like "i don't even get a hi?".......NO BITCH!.....i have the poorest taste in females......i sure can pick 'em...

am i on the muthafuckin pipe?????

i've been making the most haphazard and unintelligible decisions in the past few days????

i am smart
i don't think i'm wise....

i'm a true believer in karma....that what goes around, comes around...TWICE...and it's gonna hurt like a bitch....i cant go around hurting people that care for me...it's not right....people think i'm the devil...fuck all yall bitches who gave me the evil eye today, "stay the fuck up out my biz-nessssssss"....i like a private relationship....when too many fingers dabble in my shit, i get frustrated...don't need advice if i don't seek it....i got it, and i don't need you to help me out....cant please everyone...just cant fuckin please everyone....

jeanine said be careful today...just chill for a while and don't jump into anything else.....that's the only advice that i do value.....i love my friends....

feel like i've lost my best friend and only true confidant.......what have i done?

shit.

i just need to be me...

i told her lets take a break today....i'm getting off tonite to tell her the extent of that....no use in carrying on something that i'm not getting anything out of....i love megan.....but our relationship is not enough for me...she asked me "what do u need?" but it sounded more like "what did i do?"...i hate to see the hurt in her eyes...it makes my skin crawl...i don't want anything to drag on...i've got to put it out of its misery....i don't need "time"...i need to be me...

i love her i love her i love her....u can love some people, but u cant be in a relationship with them? do you find that to be true? well i feel that it's that way....we talked about this before...talked about me being unhappy...and she knew this...i said that it's going to take time...but i haven't been 100% happy since Oct. 20.....and now to make things worse, i'm in Ms. Dienno's class talking about relationships.....and i'm realizing so much about our relationship..."passive dependency"...the passive aggressive relationship...shit that i talk about all the time....

i love her, i just can't be with her anymore....

"but when you love someone/ u just don't treat them bad/oh how i feel so sad/ now that i wanna leave/ she's crying her heart to me/ how could you let this be/ i just need time to see/ where i wanna be/

cell is ringing...410 #'s and shit....damn...

'i wish i wasn't in love with you so you couldn't hurt me..." <---if u don't know that song, then where the fuck have u been????

5:54.....feeling shitty..super depressed mode....why does life have to be such a struggle for me? i can never have what i want, when i want, how i want.....

all i wanna do is crawl in her bed, lay in her arms, feel her breath against the back of my neck.....that's all i want to do right now...reach out and touch her....i want something tangible instead of abstract.....and u all know how i am with the abstract.....concrete instead of so fuckin fuzzy.....don't u know when u want something soooooooooooooooo badly, u cant taste it, u hear it in your dreams.....i see it in your mind......it's right there, and then poof it vanishes before your eyes....i want to smell her....taste her......be her.....

perfection is a joke in my world.....everything is in place, and yet time in space is in the way...so close yet so far away....better halves...."do you believe in soul mates?"...maybe i do....maybe i don't...are u supposed to know when u meet them..have i met mine yet?....summer please hurry and come....i've been waiting for you...i've been waiting for her....i've been waiting for us.....the union of two kindred souls...

why am i so afraid of being dependent?...

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
(Ohohohoh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were ment to be
Soooo spread your wings and fly
Butterfly....

lol...punk'd is the funniest show of my life....

don't u hate it when people go missing in action, cuz i surely do...ANYWAY....ummm i didn't talk to megan yesterday....oops i called her and the voicemail wanted to come on...Yvonne pretty much did't feel like leaving a message so it let it ride and went to bed...i was just in one of those moods that if we would have talked it would have ended in a fight....

e-mailed someone like ten times...i feel like a stalker lol...but it will never be as serious as Angela...lol...speaking of Angela...*Melanie, i know you're reading this!*

sigh, mother's day has been pretty much a big old BLAH....boring...i think my mother has something against using the air conditioner, because i'm sitting here sweating my chops off....

summer is coming and i'm getting that *i don't give a fuck* attitude....i wanna do many things this summer...i wanna be free to be me...i just wanna have alot of fun and i don't think i want anyone or anything holding me back....sigh...only time will tell....*bag lady, u gon' hurt your back, draggin all them bags like that*

the great gatsby is the worse book i've ever read in my life...

it's breakout time, and i just don't understand what's going on!

why can't i have the total package?

why can't i get the total package?

why am i so picky?

why am i never satisfied?

sitting here thinking about that cold day in early march when i trekked out to six flags....sat down and did an interview...only to be put on a waiting list to work....i sooooooooooooooo needed a job back then, but ooooo no, fuck that....they told me to call back....WTF? so i'm sitting here facing a boring ass summer of working with ms. askey in the computer lab, putting schedules together....working for nothing....sigh, why does money have to be such a big deal...when u have it, it just doesn't matter to you...but when you're busting your ass trying to get and u barely make enough to keep you afloat, then that's when u spazz out about it...not only that but u develop this sick jealousy borderline hatred for people who do have it....and people who do have money are never sensitive to those who dont....i.e. megan....like i remember when we went out for our "six month anniversary"...she made me feel so fuckin embarassed.....i was mad or something cuz she pissed me off about something else....THEN...she asks me...

m: "are u hungry?"
Yv: "yea i'm hungry..."
m:"then let's go get something to eat"
Yv:"i'm hungry but i don't have any money..."
m: just stands there and doesn't say anything....

now i'm standing in the metro station looking at this girl....wondering "WTF???"

correct me if i'm wrong, but does it really cost THAT much to get someone something off the dollar menu....my father only gave me $15 that day....after the metro fare, the bus, and the movie, i was fuckin BROKE.....i don't think i should have to ASK for someone to get me something to eat.....I DON't LIKE ASKING IN THE FIRST PLACE!....it hurts my pride too much...and finally i had to ASK her to get me something....that just blew me out the water right there.....i was like "oh no she didn't"

so we met up with dana at union cuz she had just gotten back from doing something else....riiiiiight....so we get there and i go get something to eat....m and dana are sitting at the table together....m had already "agreed" to get me something to eat...so the lady rings up to total, and i'm standing there looking at her....and she reluctantly arose to pay the money.....and while her back is turned dana is mouthing the word "stingy"...i just smiled and nodded my head in agreement....

hell the fuck no, i am not a gold digger...that goes against MY PRIDE...i am quite independent, and self-motivated, and usually i don't want help from anyone....however, m just blew me that day...it was made even more embarassing because it was in front of my best friend....sigh...unreceptive...what a shame....

i can complain all i want, but whatever....dammit can this girl e-mail me back? how much does a ticket on amtrack to baltimore cost? lol....lets cut the jokes...i'm out

"I really wanna be with you, but i gotta be real with you- i can't leave you alone...i know i'm living wrong, but i can't let you go....your the one i want in my life/ i already got wife/ i cant leave you alone/ i know i'm living wrong, but i can't let you go".....why have i heard that song fifty million times today????? sigh, i don't wanna talk about it seriously...

weekend has been oh so uneventful and i just don't know why....while dana is off getting her part on, and Krystin was getting her lrycist lounge thing on....i was sitting at home, listening to the clock tick and downloading more songs...my life is in shambles...

i went to bed like ten, after i got off the phone with megan...well acually i fell asleep on the phone with her....who by the way hasn't called me all day today....

did the auction today and concert choir embarassed themsleves....i hate that damn choir, cuz they don't know when to shut the fuck up...i hate being apart of disorganized shit....when i present myself, i want to do it in a organized and presentable fashion, so that people at least THINK we know what we're doing..sigh, whatever...

then after that i went to my cousin's b-day party...she's turning two....Christina turned seventeen today...and well me, i guess i'll never turn sixteen at the rate i'm going.....IT's TAKING SO LONG.....shit....so young, yet so old...yet SO MANY DAMN LIMITATIONS....

adriane's supposed to be home and i'm negelecting her...i haven't called at all....i love her soooo much....good friends make me feel warm and fuzzy inside lol

next week i should know if i was chosen for this program at the University of Notre Dame....it's like this Catholic African American Youth Leadership Conference...bump that...they're flying participants to the university for a week...all expenses paid, and they're basically trying to sell the school to us....sigh i hope i get in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm tired...maybe i'll go call a few people....

thought for tonite....*in a relationship....i love thoughtfullness.....a phone call to let me know i'm on your mind....a single pretty flower....a note....an e-mail...a love letter....a poem...a rhyme...a song (Mariah Carey is always good)....*......i'm feeling like i'm on a natural high right now....*wink wink*...."cant leave you alone, i know i'm living wrong, but i cant let u go"

why are some people just so weird????

is it just me, or are there those misc. people that really irk you?....you know, the ones who just come up to you and start talking to you....i mean some people might think that stuff is friendly, but i swear some fols just aint right in the head ****** that was just a misc. comment cuz i'm feeling pretty peturbed now....

i was talking to megan last night...talking about passive aggressive relationships, and what we learned in religion class that day about romantic relationships and the different meanings of "love"....one thing led to the other, and i just wound up hanging up on her...well not really hanging up on her, but putting down the phone quickly after she said something, does that really count? lol....i feel bad, for one thing, because now i don't even know what she said...hmmm maybe i was tired and pretty damn grouchy...whatever...

the concert yesterday was great....elizabeth and melanie stayed and watched as concert choir sang "All that jazz" from the musical turned movie, Chicago...isn't it a wonderful thing? i think that i was the only one actually smiling when we got up there....why is everyone else so scared to just lighten up...everyone is always so concerned about what others are going to think of them...now i'll be the first one to admit that i am shyt and very self-conscious...however, if we're supposed to be in an ensemble of the school's premier vocalists, then why shouldn't we show some enthusiasm when we're singing? what is really the big problem? anyway, the band sounded great as always...they played this ten minute medley of songs from "phantom of the opera" and of course i liked that.......especially when the lights turned off suddendly and Gerianna let out this ghastly scream...damn, it was tight i must admit...

yesterday, after i cam back from the field, i sat in Kady's car along with Cynthia, looking at the seniors make fools of themselves...soooooo anyway, megan called me, asking me where i was, and dammit, i turned my head to the left, and saw.......................................................well for those of you who know me, you know who i saw...lol....Ms. Angela herself....

dammit i don't know what it is about this chick but she has had me seriously infatuated for like the last two years....i don't really know if it's the hair..or the athletic, lean physique, or the gorgeous face....or the outgoing personality...or the cool, carefree, nonchalantness???? is that a word...i dont know WHAT it is that makes me go GOO GOO GAA GAA everytime i see this girl....so we sat in the kady's truck for a while, and after i cut megan off and hung the phone up on her (that was the first time it happend yesterday)....i proceeded to gawk...cuz that's what i always do....i just sit there and gawk...Cynthia asks me, "Why don't u just go up and say hi to her???"

i looked at this girl like she was crazy lol....SAY HI TO HER???? lol...i guess that would be a good idea, but the thing about it is that she's not even gay...even tho she has those MAJOR vibes...and besides, even if she was, i wouldn't meet her standards at all...she's sooooooooooooooooooooo ANGELA....that i don't think anyone meets her standards....i mean she doesnt need to be with anyone...where she needs to be is in a display case so i can gawk at her all day long...thats all i ask for LOL....

besides my Angela sighting yesterday...some other things have been going on.....

folks, i know that communication is a big releif. at least it's one for me....and of course you have your friends, maybe a significant other....or even your family to talk to.....but sometimes, u just need a refresher...i new person, with new ideas, with a totally new personality....and i think that's what i have gotten within the past week....it's nice to meet interesting people on my level (which rarely happens)....and just converse...no strings attached yet, just freely letting go and getting to know each other as time goes along....now, everyday, at lunch time and when i get home, i look forward to emails....it makes me feel good to know that someone is thinking about me...

"two days past eighteen he was waiting for the bus in his army greens. he sat down in a booth in a cafe there and gave his order to a girl with a bow in her hair. she's a little shy so she gave him a smile, and he said would u mind sitting down for a while and talking to me, i'm feeling a little low. she said 'i'm off in an hour and i know where we could go.' so they went down and they sat on the peer. he said 'i bet u got a boyfriend but i dont care i got no one to send a letter to. would u mind if i sent one back here to you?' i cried, never gonna hold the hand of another guy. too young for him they told her, waiting for the love of a travelin soldier. our love will never end, shes waiting for the soldier to come back again. never gonna be alone, when the letter says the soldier's coming home"...."travelin soldier" dixie chicks...I LOVE IT

argh...why are females so inarticulate...none of them no how to SPEAK.....i mean its one thing to listen, but when i have conversations...i want to do just that- have a fuckin conversation. not cramp my hand out...or listen to myself talk...or get self conscious because i'm saying everything...

i've been sitting here playing with my naps. why do i derive some sick pleasure from twisting with my forefinger this one special nap on the right side of the back my head. go figure....

why can't i have a better half? just a thought...

i'm thinking about all the books i've read and there are some that i've totally forgotten about that have been TIGHT!!!! i remember when i was in texas, i read this book called "alice' about a hearing impaired girl whose parents neglected her by locking her in a shed and feeding her meager rations of bread and water.....that was some deep and touching shit....u know its like 1:16 a.m.....most of the stuff that i'm writing right now isn't adding up to much of anything for real....maybe i should just give up on the dream huh?

goodnight