umm can someone tell me why i haven't written in my journal since lord knows when....actually it was the day before i went to go see krystin...yes this is oh so very interesting.......

the summer is randomly going along, and randomly going with it....the more deep i get into this thing, the more nonchalant i am about it....que sera sera.....whatever happens happens right? that's the new philosophy i have decided...

summer jobs at school are like to the worst i have decided....it's just not that serious for me to drag my ass in every morning, and then try to balance numbers all day, just for five bucks an hour...that's like slave labor...cut the jokes cuz it's like ummm less than minimum wage...is that even legal?

side note (MAN SNAPPLES is the new phrase for queens) lol

back to the regularly scheduled program

my life is in shambles (what is a shamble? lol)

maybe i'll write when i get home....i don't feel like it right now

the count down is sooooooooo on and i'm so ready to do this! lol....

tomorrow by this time it would have been done and over with..waiting until the next fiasco....i think krystin has really outdone herself...

i love her...it's that complex simplicity...and i don't always have all the answers....

there.

ok now that i've decided that i'm an internet fiend...i can move on with my life....they say that the first step to solving a problem is actually admitting that u have one...and i admit it openly and quite acceptingly...

hmm super spaz moment: CELL PHONE BILL!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! lol...lets cut the jokes and the smokes folks cuz i've been making these random phone calls to krystin and i don't know if it's long distance...next thing u know son, i've pretty much got like a $200 bill on my hands...u know that i cant take this kind of pressure in my life...i just cant....sigh....<>

in other news...dana and i went "shopping" yesterday for that "perfect" outfit....sigh....we went from PG plaza to Georgetown in a matter of hours...all while i was wearing my cute but quite uncomfortable black thong sandals with the sequins on the straps (don't ask...please) lol.....i have never actually been walking around in georgetown..of course, my father drives through every now and then...and it's all good...i see the swank shops, the nice stores, weird but sheik restaurants....i never actually step foot on the cobblestone and walked around...lol...shit i didn't even know there was a whole MALL down there...of course there are the stores and whatnot that are inside of really old buildings...but there was like this hidden misc. mall in there, that i pretty much never knew about...maybe if i actually had money lol....but hey, next year i cant wait to do it up big...hopefully i can capture a job of some sorts...shit...i don't wanna think about it cuz i'm getting bitter...u know how that is lol....

megan's coming over today....chinese food and some movies (she still didn't bring "the best man" but i guess beggars cant be choosers lol)...if i'm correct, she should be on her way here right now....

the countdown is soooooooooooooooooooooooo on until i chill with Krystin....hmm guess who's excited??? I AM! lol.....she keeps saying that she has some sort of suprise for me, and if u know me, i really don't do well with those...but i guess i'll just have to be patient until she decides to give it to me....she's like totally consuming my thoughts all the time...i don't even know why...but then again what we have is "complex simplicity" as i've termed it....what we feel is simple....but we just can't explain why the connection was so instant and strong....sigh..i guess there are just some things that u can't really explain....hmm friday is the thirteenth...bad luck? i dunno..it looks like it's gonna rain...and all i wanna do is chill on federal hill with her....maybe that won't happen....lol...whatever happens, it's just me and her....

i am honestly happy.....and that's what i wanted....that's all i wanted

getting hair done tomorrow and O LAWD isn't that just a wonderful THANG! HALLELU! my goodness....it's been since april and it's embarrassing for me to have all this new growth (kady knows wasup lol)....

next week, i start working at school...putting the schedules together and whatnot...i'm getting really excited (NOT) lol....i mean, i don't really have a problem with it at all, but there's really no escaping that darn school....i really keep messing around and i pretty much need to send Ms. Hughes that thing that tells her what colleges i'm interested in......sigh...i'm such a procrastinator and i never get things done on time..

lets look at the list lol

1.) Washington and Lee (shari, adrin, and cynthia {#2!!!!!!!!!!!!} got in here and got money..looks like this is where i'm heading lol
2.)Emory (hello HOTLANTA!)
3.)Spelman (there aint no way daddy's gonna let me go though lol)
4.)Bucknell (if dana likes it, then it's A-OK with MOI!)
5.)Fordham (holding down for that boogie down bronx)
6.)Washington University (St. Louis thugzzzzzzz!)
7.)Vassar (KEEP DREAMING YVONNE LOL!)
8.)Wellsley(maybe if i just hope enough lol)

bucknell, fordham, and spelman and pretty good safety schools....i know i'll get into those....the other ones are truly out of my reach...but then again, u gotta reach for the sky right? lol....sigh....

i cant wait for college...to move the hell on outta here seriously.....i love my parents....but gee, i'm tired of it.....just wanna do my own things...but some of these life skills to the test and see how i'll do when i'm thrown out there to the dogs..

my hair is disgusting right now...if they chop it all off i really wont be suprised...this is the worst it's ever been in my life...this is what happens when u stop caring.............

dammit....i shouldn't have thrown all that stuff out about mature love....i need it now....luv ya ms. dienno...lol

gotta go........i'm out like "suede socks" omg krystin lol

Yvonne is out like hammer pants

"i'm so scared that you'll hurt me.....twice"

sigh....

first day of summer vacation and guess who's excited? why, i am!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsss

it's like 10 something in the morning....daddy called me at ten talking about "if u don't wake up now, u're gonna have a sloppy day..."

a man sure knows how to mess up a good sleep....it was serious cuz there was seriously like this lil puddle of drool on my sheets....ewwllll Yvonne lol....

feeling good....feeling iight....i'm on a dolla store mission to go get this salad bowl and then i'mma go over my mother's house and whatnot....u know how that is....maybe i might get some lotion when i get out there too...depending on how i feel.....i'm down for free food, so imma be up at megan's house with everyone else...i'm kinda disappointed we didn't get to go on our AP US History field trip....but that's iight...a dinner will have to suffice....despite the fact that some people have decided that they aren't coming...bums....seriously....why do people do that to me?

random moment...

Kady<----looks at me in that sinster way
Yvonne<----"Kady don't do this to me"

LMAO....sigh u had to be there to understand lol

Katrell called me at like 2 this morning....up talking about random stuff....riiiiiiight..we stayed on the phone till five and maybe that's why i was drooling hard...cuz chick wouldn't let me get off the phone....talk about a nagging friend...

krystin called me the night before that....around 1 or two...not too sure....talked for about two hours....besides the fact that she was straight whispering the whole entire time lol...me and this chick have some weird, freaky, connection, and i just don't know how to explain it....i've deemed it "complex simplicity"...i know how i feel, i just don't know why and how....really really weird....anyway she called me yesterday too....while i was taking my religion exam...i'm in that joint tryna figure out Jim and Alice's relationship could be better if they practice "mature love"....and my phone goes off....i was like riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! but then i mean, it was the last day of school....i was like "mrs. mcgillicuddy....u gonna give me a detention?" lol....seriously, what could she have done.....then she called me back when i was at the picnic....but there was like total confusion going on, so of course, i had to get off....it was like potato salad, or krystin.....get this hamburger, or krystin....lol....sike naw, but it's wild cuz for those who know me....u don't mess with this sister's food....i'll smack up a bitch....it's not a game....

anyway i gotta go and shower...i don't really know what time the bus comes, but then again whatever...i'll holla...Yvonne

i have to be one of those most depressed people that i know....something's really wrong with me and i think i need to get it checked out....i'm on a downward spiral to nowhere...consumed by my own thoughts, drowned in my own sorrows, sinking benath a world that doesn't want me....i feel so lonley and rejected...it hurts...it's like i have this sharp, incsive constant pain that just wont go away....i try to hide it under my many guises of anger, nonchalantness, confidence, and intelligence......but the more i try, the more it hurts...

by choice i isolate those who care the most about me....i reject them....i manipulate them...i hurt them...i annoy them....don't get too close, cuz i think i'm straight scared to let anyone understand me....i don't even understand myself...

i'm insecure, but isn't every teenaged girl....sigh, i'm a girl....too young to be anything else right? i'm selfish....i know these things about myself and how do i try to change them? i'm still trying to find a way...they say the first step to solving a problem is realizing that u actually have one....

why is it that i hate making people that i'm close to mad? or pissed at me? it's weird, but krystin just made the hairs stand up on my arm cuz i felt a twinge of annoyance in her words....it gave me that dreaded empty feeling in the bottom of my stomach....i should've just unsent the e-mail...whatever......insecure....not confident.....just a mess.....

my tears have dried up and i'm not really feeling....the same..."do u know where u're going to?" diana once asked.....no diana i don't know where i'm going...i'm just walking around endlessly, trapped and enclosed in a tiny space, struggling for that last vital breath of air....and as my futile attempts fail, one by one, each system fails...eyes shut, and i slide framelessly onto the ground, only for other's to walk upon...i'm not here anymore...just in my world, just in my world....

every second brings with it another weight upon an already heavy heart....so many things to release, and no one to help me carry it....each man has his own burden, so why should i be any different?

fives are compatible with sevens....yvonne's are compatible with krystins....so i've heard....sigh

i'm out........same old shit, different day

'i don't wanna wait in vain"

"i see the memories replayed, same space, same place, same bodies baby......"

yesterday, guess who was irate and out of control? i was because i wrote for what seems like forever in this thing and it didn't even post.....i wrote about my uncle, my aunt.....a whole bunch of stuff that's been going on in my life....and the damn blogger didn't even post it......bastards....so should i take it from the top? maybe i will....

sunday, was iight i guess considering i knew i had exams and i didn't really study for anything....guess that's why i got a fuckin 85 on my chemistry.....i am ooooooooooo so done on that note.....but anyway daddy and me and tungie went for a ride....daddy took me to go driving around in the parking lot....considering that it's only the third time i've been behind the wheel in my life, and the first time since december, i was really doing it...i just don't know how to reverse too well.....that's a mess, cuz when i want the car to go right it goes left.......anyway hopefully next monday i can get my permit and that won't be too bad....i really really wanna start driving badly and i don't think my father understands.....high school sucks when u can't do anything....and u really cant do anything if u dont have a car or if u don't know anyone with a car.....

so anyway, we went to cicuit city after that and got a new cordless phone...and i drooled over cell phones cuz for those of you who don't know, my phone has been fucked up forever....it works, but i can't see the screen....so it's definitely time to let that piece of trash go......i don't even want a flip one....i just want something that ummm well that works...gee that 's all i ask for lol....

after that we went to go visit uncle ayo in his newly rented basement.....right....the man is 58 years old and i just don't get him at all......seriously.....four months ago, he moved out here from LA, where he'd been living for the last 25 years.....now he's trying to start a new life since things aint been going too swell out there in the city of angels.....i always liked my uncle because he's so unlike my father.....my father is conservative and refined, while uncle ayo is a little on the wild side...still a revolutionary in some ways....he's 58 years old with a 1960's mentality, living in the 2k3.....it's always good to be a visionary no doubt, b/c to some extent we all are.....but there comes a time when a man must give and concede that he just can't fight the system....or else the system will fuck him over......u can run but u can't hide, and eventually everyone of his contemporaries, including my father, traded in their leather jackets, raised fists, afro picks, and black clothing...for business suits, neck ties, brief cases, stethoscopes, keyboards, kids, families, and more conventional ways of living......gotta get over it......and he never will.......sigh....

he's my father's only remaining sibling and really the only close family that my father has left.......i think things went downhill after my aunty alice died the october of my freshman year....she was the glue of the family....she was the most outgoing one out of all five of the children.....she knew everyone and everyone knew her....i remember the last time i went up to NYC: me daddy and tungie went for about a week just to chill up there......one night, she and i were the only ones in the house, and she talked to me like i was her own....she just had this way of making you feel like u belonged....no matter what........the tuesday before she died...she called the house to leave a message with me for daddy, informing him about another family member's death.......by then, i hadn't talked to her for months.....i remember exactly she said to me "you're my neice and i still love you".....and after that i vowed to call her every week afterwards, but i never got around to it......

daddy came to pick me up from school...he pulled the car over on 57th ave and told me...and i cried......
then grandma came to live with us.....and that's another story in itself......sigh....

anyway, yesterday, exams were a mess....english and chemistry....ms. monkres put two bs questions on there and i was like WTF? i don't know how old she is but i guessed when she got married....what a mess.....shit......so i got one point taken off for that.....is that fair?

right. i'm listenig to "butterflies" the floetry version...actually it's their song, but michael jackson borrowed....since i love floetry so much, i think they've done a better job with it lol.......i really want their CD....so badly.....i heard it playing in circuit city and nearly came on myself lol...it's just that tight....just my style.....i so want to go to britain next year after senior year and just stay with my fam for the entire summer......either that or work....but i had so much fun when i went over there the year before last......i was "wicked" as they say over there.......lol big ups to "brixton" lol dana

LMAO@ "Teddy Ruffskin"
LMAO@Chinese Crackhead Monkies
Krystin always has me rolling lol

i opened up my locker yesterday afternoon before i left school, only to find a card and bear in the upper portion.....hmmm interesting...so i open the card and it's from megan........i guess she was concerned about me wondering what i meant to her.....of course that was the entire last entry about being a "good friend"....gee i despise those words........just cause she uses them to define her relationships with other chicks who don't matter......anyway she reassured me that everything between is the same, despite the fact that we are no longer lovers.....i admire the fact that she loves me enough to let me go and be happy....if she cant do it, then someone else might as well....on friday, when me and and her were in religion, just looking into her eyes made me cry, because i love her so much....and she loves me too....and i asked her if she would meet krystin and shake her hand and she said yes......and that meant so much to me.......there is closure.........the first time we went out, i remember crying over my plate of rice.....and she came over and consoled me........i cried in the beginning, and i cried at the end..how fitting.......my heart is at peace.......time to turn the page and let another story unfold

i feel really bad right now though...krystin invited me a few days ago to her brother marlon's graduation party...it's on the 20th....it's not so much that i want to go to the party, but i want to meet him....he's such an important and integral part of her life, that i know it would mean alot if i could be there...however, i cant because the next morning i have to wake up at like three to take my brother to the airport (dulles....damn u priceline.com....why couldn't mommy pick reagan national.....sigh)....so his flight leaves at like six....and getting to that airport takes mad time....so we're gonna have to be out bright and early........anyway, i hate letting people down, especially people who i care about...so of course, not being able to make it is really blowing me......but i already promised her that i'm going to meet him and her father.....this girl has got me going.......she wrote this about me: there is another person in my life who i care for a lot.....I am talking about Ms. Coker. Lol that makes her sound like a teacher or something. But no seriously OMG ya'll she does this thing to me. I would give the world to her if i could. Of course i would take half but she could have the western hemisphere. I think she is sexy no lie, like her composure her mind, im so attracted to her mind. Her body, her disposition towards life, although she tends to be pessimistic. Everything about her is just so sexy to me. Is that wrong? I think it is because then i end up wanting things that she might want to wait on. Im biting my bottom lip right now, ya'll know what that mean. I got them visuals on my mind. SIGH, "with thoughts of loving you on my mind"

lol, even when she tries to be serious, she really cant be lol....but i understand where she's coming from....krystin to me is like a breath of fresh air....she's someone different....oh so intelligent (in her own lil way lol), caring, artisitc, ambitious, genuine, funny and crazy all at the same time......she's truly a unique individual in every way....plus she's just really quirky and i like that about her....sigh....sigh....sigh....one step at a time....

did i tell u guys that i think my life is done because the dixie chicks concert is sold out? hmmmmmm BOTH DATES....but the fuckin tickets went on sale in like february and no one informed me....yea guess who was pissed when they went to the mci center website and saw that there were no more tickets available......shit....so now i guess i'm just gonna have to make my own concert and make it happen........man this is the life that i live....

i went to see dana after school today at union station...it's cool chillin with my best bud cuz with her being out of school now, we really don't get to see each other that much...maybe next week we'll go shopping and get our stuff done together....cant wait...

the week ahead, i'm gonna try to make it enjoyable....monday and tuesday it's dana then megan.....wednesday it's my hair.....thursday it's taking pictures then chillin with Katrell...then friday.......yes friday.......if God is smiling on me....(God please smile on me...please?) if God wills it, then i will be spending the entire day in b-more with the one and only krystin johnson.....sigh.....i hope i hope i hope....lol.......anyway i don't really plan on doing to much staying in the house next week......my fingers are really hurting right now...........umm and so is my back....i have to go tho....u know how that is.....hopefully this thing will post.....gotta go...