not really knowing what to feel right now....

pride myself on being honest, straightforward, different from all the other typical bitches...

but i'm being a typical bitch....

during the course of this year my conscience has gone from zero to negative five....i mean, gee i've always been ruthless, and quite self-centered....in the end i'm always motivated by anything that will benefit me...but then again, aren't we all...the only reason i don't like to do bad things to people is because i'm the biggest believer in KARMA....

"what u throw out comes back to u star, cuz KARMA KARMA KARMA comes back to u hard!!!" Lauryn Hill...

she knows wasup....

iight so nuff said, i went crud on krystin...and i'm wondering why i'm not feeling anything? am i that shallow? am i that damn dirty? didn't know how low i could go, but i did....it's not fun to not care....maybe right now i'm trying to repress that funny feeling in my stomach...u know the feeling...it's the one u get when u know something's not right...

oh well, my life will continue and i'll just wait for the shit to come back to me....twice...

people have always been able to trust me....people have always been able to confide in me....how the hell do i question my own integrity? shit happens...just go with the flow...

dana's doing her college thing...

anika's doing her college thing...

Yvonne's doing her senior thing!!!!!! WOOO YEA! lol

folks callin me 'shady'....too bad i can't refute that claim...i guess i'll wear it on my sleeve now...just another adjective to throw in the pile...it's all love...

wnba season coming to a close...

school season coming to a beginning...and i'm spent...lol

"tell me who i have to be, to gain some reciprocity?????"

i don't even know what "reciprocity" means, but hey, when lauryn hill sings it, it sounds beautiful...

the day started off ok, then just turned sour....as the sky turned dark, so did my mood....i'm slipping in and out of depression....it makes me wonder if it's really that time of the month, adolescence, or just silly old me....

woke up about ten o'clock, rolled over, and decided it was time to get out of bed....taking the metro is a bitch, it takes three hours to get some place that would only take twenty minutes in a frigging car...so anyway i pretty much got up and showered....checked the caller id and realized that jeanine called last night from work....i didn't want to go home after orientation, so i decided to give her a call...actually i gave her like three calls in a row, only to find out that she was right in the middle of her orientation...ooops, oh my lol.....

hit the bus stop around 11.....got to school around 12:30....working at seton has totally made me hate it....i never really cared all that much for the people either, but gee it's hard to maintain a positive attitude when u're pretty much the odd ball out....sigh....

fake hugs, i hate those.....u know the one-armed ones....with the slight cheeck touch....ewwwl....saw many of those today...definitely not sexy, at all....hot girls....who is there to impress at seton....not a god damned person.....sigh....chicks who will smile in your face, and as soon as they hit the corner, laugh about what u had on, or didn't have on....

so my question is- why be cordial?

seriously, why try to stomach people who have even more distaste for you than you can ever imagine? i don't know, i really don't...i feel like an outsider, looking in, even though i always have placed on the outside to observe everyone else.....i guess i've removed myself so far, that i've seen everyone's faults...and they're ugly....i'm sick of school, and i haven't even started yet....damn, that's fukked....it's not even the school work....it's the people.....i mean there are a select few i can deal with, but that's just a SELECT few....other than that, i feel i'm walking on egg shells...i have to watch what i say around everyone....people have a way of digesting things the wrong way, and regurgitating them, just to get attention....damn vultures....

don't u just hate a scavenger....

am i just being cynical?

lol

sheesh...

funny thing is, i just push everyone away don't i.....

pushed megan away...we didn't speak one time....i saw her, she saw me....didn't say anything...she should know me, i'm not going to go to her....whatever...if she want's to act like that she can be on my shit list like everyone else....

krystin's been calling me...i see the number....just don't answer...weird isn't it....

went out with jeanine afterwards to union station....oh, but not before being harrassed by a dirty man who swore he had tight go-go beats on the bus...the bus to rhode island ave.....don't get me wrong, i love D.C., but why is it that i never get harrassed on the bus that goes to New Carrollton aka the friggin suburbs.....anyway, i'm starting to wonder if there's any man out there who has respect for women?

are there any guys out there who just wanna "wait a while" like janet sang about before?

can i just mention that janet jackson got REALLY REALLY FAT!

lol, random side comments of my life!

so like i said me and jeanine hit up union station and got something to eat....she's one of those select few i was talking about....someone real and who keeps it real with me....lets me know about myself, and i appreciate her for that...we sat down and ate, while she told me about her woes, her never-ending family problems.....her inability to find a chick....i don't understand it.....

jeanine is so fucking CUTE!....i don't look at my dawg like that, but she is such a great catch that it's unbelievable she's not with anyone....i mean she's messed with a few chicken heads here and there...but they really weren't worth her time at all...she's wifey material and she hasn't been scooped up yet....her downfall may be the fact that she's into those pretty girlz, but i mean damn, u'd think that the only thing pretty girls have going for them is their looks from the chicks that she messes with....it's ridiculous....

we talked about love...it's true meaning...what it is, and what it isn't....i think every person in the world should have ms. dienno's morality class, because she taught me so much about myself, through the work of erich fromm and m. scott peck....passive dependency...interpersonal symbiotic fusion....wooooooo hoooooooo......

basically the most important thing i learned is that romantic love is not about dependency....it's about two independent people coming together and growing together...the thing about it is, most people are subconsciously dependent, so they don't even realize the mistakes they make within relationships which cause them to ultimately fail.....sigh...deep shit, i'm telling....just read 'the art of loving' and u 'll know what i'm talking about lol....

it rained like cats and dogs on the way home, but most of time i was sheltered....right now i'm just in one of those straight, nasty, nonchalant moods....so i'm overall spent....just doing that serious procrastinating....lol....dammit i've got two days left until school and i have to read pride and prejudice all the way through tomorrow....why why why do i wait till fucking forever to do mywork....holler at u're squad....

why did gill and mcgillicuddy come up to me and ask me why seton insisted on keeping me at school for another year...i swear i should've graduated '03...i'm so ready for college....

peace.

sometimes u just dont know what to do

perfection....

what the hell is that shit? it's got me so caught up, seriously it's unbelievable...ok ok, so realistically, it's unattainable....but why do things always look so perfect? why do i always want the things that look so perfect? sigh....

spent the night over melanie's mansion for her seventeeth birthday...met nick...now he's perfect! lol....great guy....he's got definite senator potential....lol....

i've been in a nonchalant-dont-stalk-me-ho-cuz-i'll-have-to-fight-the-urge-to-cut-yo-ass mood.....don't u have those every once in a while....

sigh....i'm just tired of the folks in my life, and i wanna do a cleanup...tired of fighting with megan's ass, so i might as well cut that shit off, cuz we're never gonna be friends the way we used to...feelings and friendship don't mix well....

dreena....aaaaaa....umerah...i dunno...why do i always wanna convince myself that i'm happy in a situation...the situation with her is more like a predicament, cuz she's really not my type....geesh, i've never heard someone whine so much within a one week period....can't carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and i definitely can't be everyone's counselor in their past....God has a way of sending me these wayward folks...people with some type of grave imbalance in their existance on this friggin' earth...

there's nothing wrong with waiting for someone worth waiting for...dreena, she's on that emotional shit...seriously, like period 24/7...tha fuck? i cant deal with someone crying, sobbing/slobbering, all the damn day because shit's gone wrong in their life....although maybe she's right, i don't know what she's going through and i refuse to look at life from her perspective...and that's always something i've been patient and good at....but patience wears thin after a while...u feel me?

it's sunday...school monday...pride and prejudice is soooooo not done.........late night missions to finish questions...start it off right...i think not!...

relationship really not on the agenda right now...why do i get sucked in?

don't u wish you could just quietly slip off the face of the earth sometimes?

well i do....

quisiera ser el dueño,
del pacto de tu boca
quisiera ser el verbo al
que no invitas
a la fiesta de tu voz
te has preguntado alguna
vez, di la verdad,
si siente el viento
debajo de tu ropa
cuando te bañas en el mar desnuda
quien te acaricia el cuerpo
en la fiesta de tu piel
se sentirán la sal, las olas, sentirá la arena,
me da pena.

quisiera ser el aire que escapa de tu risa
quisiera ser la sal para escocerte en tus heridas
quisiera ser la sangre que envuelves con tu vida
quisiera ser el sueño que jamás compartirías,
el jardín de tu alegría de la fiesta de tu piel.

son de esos besos que ni frío, ni calor...;pero
sí son de tu boca
también los quiero yo.
quisiera ser sincero, apuesto
a que te pierdo
en esta frase sólo pido tu perdón
por qué no escribo algo mejor.
ay yo no sé.
me has preguntado alguna vez, por
preguntar,
que es lo que quiero,
por qué motivo he
dibujado el aire que
jugaba a ser silencio
si en realidad te entiendo
o sólo nos queremos
y si a la noche como a mí le duele,
tanto desear de lejos
se sentirán la sal, las olas, sentirá la arena,
me da pena.

quisiera ser el aire que escapa de tu risa
quisiera ser la sal para escocerte en tus heridas
quisiera ser la sangre que envuelves con tu vida
quisiera ser el sueño que jamás compartirías,
el jardín de tu alegría de la fiesta de tu piel.

son de esos besos que ni frío, ni calor...;pero
sí son de tu boca
también los quiero yo.

quisiera ser el aire que escapa de tu risa
quisiera ser la sal para escocerte en tus heridas
quisiera ser la sangre que envuelves con tu vida
quisiera ser el sueño que jamás compartirías,
el jardín de tu alegría de la fiesta de tu piel.

quisiera ser el aire que escapa de tu risa
quisiera ser la sal para escocerte en tus heridas
quisiera ser la sangre que envuelves con tu vida
si quieres ser el aire
yo te invito niña a mi camisa, mi camisa
de tu alegría y la fiesta de tu piel

quisiera ser el aire que escapa de tu risa
quisiera ser la sal para escocerte en tus heridas
quisiera ser la sangre que envuelves con tu vida
quisiera ser el sueño que jamás compartirías,
el jardín de tu alegría y la fiesta de tu piel

"if i never ever say that i love u, just remember girl i say that i do...u can know that from this moment u are always in my heart...." always in my heart, tevin campbell...

damn what happened to my man?

interesting day i had yesterday....

besides packing books, we had the freshman welcome yesterday....no new prospects (wink wink) in the freshman class, but i mean not that i'm looking lol....sike naw, even if they were, i'd probably think back to when i was a freshman and say cut the jokes...but then again, i don't think i was every immature in high school...maybe a bit naive, but never immature...i've always been some type of serious...

anyway seton has done a good job of picking them....it's that damn mrs. slone...her fat ass....sigh...

so i miss adriane's call while i'm taking my lunch break and i call her back...she tells me she's coming to pick me up and we're going to haine's point with diana and k....sounds good to me....so she picks me up and we go holla at diana, who's working at the barbershop....i remember sometime last year when adriane was home from break, she took me by to go meet diana, but i being the shy person that i am, didn't really say much, and i guess she thought i was boring or something....but seriously, how much do u want me to warm up to someone within a fifteen minute period?...she's a little shorter than me, or maybe my height, i'm not sure....lightskinned...kinda funny looking in a really cute way...she's so fukkin laid back it's not even funny, but she doesn't seem like the aggressive type at all, and i appreciate that....so we hopped in the car and finally decided on applebee's to sit down and eat.....adriane and i caught up on the woes of girlfriends and life...had to break everything down to di about everything and everyone (lol "she's a big girl!)....sigh....di got game for real, cuz uh she was straight about to book the waitress...."miss hutchinson".....girl be doing her thang and i cant hate!....we hopped back in the car in the direction of di's "friend's" workplace....chic's name is Yvette, and from the get-go, di warned us that she wasn't really her type....di's really petite, and she calls this chick an "amazon" lol....i love it....we get there and it really isn't as bad as she said....she wasn't really cute....kinda thick, bordering nasty if she let's herself go anymore...she has her eyebrow and labret pierced....mmk....so i wasn't really impressed, but obviously di was feeling her cuz umerah they were really touchy feely....

so we spend about an hour there and decide to roll over to adriane's friend's house...tanika....mmk....di's in the car explaining that porcshe comes home in nine days from basic training....porcsche (i dont know how to spell that shit off the top of my head so i'll abbreviate with "p") is basically di's love, her heart, her everything....if p says the word, di will drop everything, including yvette...which is understandable, cuz p had her heart before yvette ever came into the picture....so anyway, me and di lunchin when we go to tanika's place....lol....on the trunk of tha car, looking like crack heads...me, i'm twitchin like shit because the damn mosquitoes were out in FULL FORCE yesterday! cut the jokes...lol...we take tanika home and chill....killin capri suns...i'm callin di "platinumivilous" because she's got the magic stick lol....get the scare of our lives when tanika's aunt just shouts outta nowhere...apparently the door was wide open...and that shit was off the hook lol...so that was our cue to leave....

rode over to kay's house....stayed outside for an hour....di and kay lunchin...we roll over to di's house to get her clothes for the crossroads...clubbin on a wednesday night....it's the new thing....she gives me this book called the illuminati 666 while adriance lays on her bed listening to floetry say yes....oh yes!...lol....adriane's molesting pickles in di's fridge....di let's me take a sip of that congac and it pretty much makes my stomach burn so i didn't like that shit too much...lol...

a drove me home....and our journey was over....i'll miss her like crap, but what can i do...we must part, and she's gotta do her college thing....i'll be there in a year...college thugs! lol...

umerah....haven't talked to krystin in damn near a week...

takoma thugz association will hold their last meeting of the summer this afternoon...

"takoma thugz association: where our motto is shank a brotha, spare a life"

sigh, i think things are better with dreena....she sent the pics...yea this should be interesting...and that's all i'm going to say about that "right thur"...

gtg...holler!

"god hears amen whrever we are, and i love you, god speed little man...sweet dreams little man...oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings...godspeed...sweetdreams"

why did i just read through the most random posts in blog, and i swear i was feigning disgust....ten months tomorrow....and i think i'm just about over the hump...not really wanting to revert back to my old ways and get sucked in again...just don't have time for this, at all....lol....so MOVING ON! lalalalalalalalalalalala...

"and we drifted to another state of mind...and imagined i was yours and you were mine...as we lay upon the grass there in the dark, underneath the stars..."

i love that damn song...don't fake on mariah carey PLEEEEEZE!

the new thing is b2k....because everyone knows 'lil fizz is it"...come to think about it, where the hell did they come from..straight out of oblivion and right onto 106 & Park....."spit the game undercover i'm lethal like danny glover..."...lol....i have to admit that some of their songs were tight...in the beginning....i mean, i knew that damn "gotta be" song like the back of my hand....but this new album is getting ridiculous...dammit am i the only one freaked that r. kelly produced damn near all the songs on that pandemonium album..."b2k and pied pied piper!"...oops oh yea, but the last time i checked the pied piper is a fairy tale about a man hired to lead the rats out of a town with his flute, but accidentally leads all the children out....ummm right....pied piper of R&B aka the child molester of the music industry...i love it so much...."is anybody feeling freaky"...so anyway i've decided that it's getting out of hand with the last few songs...."b2k and pied pied piper"...u scared? cuz i am....nick cannon and feeling freaky....r. kelly....i think u're the only one who's feeling freaky sir...and u're probably sending mad subliminal messages through those b2k songs, who reach their number one audience of loud ass, screaming, pre-pubescent teenaged girls....."he needs some jail bait, he needs some jail bait, he needs some jail bait, he needs some jail bait"....and that's when i said that i can't take the pressure....lol...

now for the educational section of my blog....

the word of the week: tallaballaboo....

tallaballaboo; orig: omarion; n; it means absolutely nothing

here ladies and gentlemen, maybe a sentence will do you good....

"tallaballaboo, jeans and nike shoes, aint no telling what this man might do but tonite this man aint playin by the rules....so tell me....is anybody feeling freaky...."

"let me see ya do, the love slide!"

called myself looking for a new template for blogger last night...the one i actually have now is nice...simple u know, but it's really boring and that's not what i was going for....when i actually downloaded the .zip file, it had a lily in it also, but since this account is free, i can't upload images....so this one will have to do for now...lol....

pretty much wondering why i can't get the energy to do any work...well not right now anyway....i think i'll save pride and prejudice for the weekend or possibly for next week...i'm always on that read a book in one day mission...but pride and prejudice just doesn't seem like that kind of book....it's three hundred pages about english class systems....sounds interesting? i know...can't you just feel my pain though?

yesterday was rachel's birthday...so happy seventeenth birthday to you lady....hope you enjoyed it, miniature golf and all!

sat down yesterday and had a talk with ms. cooke, who is the junior guidance counselor....she's sort of like my guidance counselor in a way, because i feel so comfortable talking to her...she's more a therapist than a counselor really...*sigh* i just needed to let some things off my chest in terms of my whole situation with my mother...she supports me one hundred percent because she knows i'm going places...ms. cooke is actually the one person who noticed my full potential and took the initiative to point it out to me before i even realized it myself...she knows i undersestimate myself, but her constant pushing has definitely done me well....slowly, over the past three years, i've come to realize that she's not the witch they make her out to be, she's just real, and has an obligation to every last one of her students...she's the moderator of gospel choir (my favorite club) and onyx club, and she is also the head of the guidance department here at seton and has been for quite some years now....she's quick to tell you that she's not rich...she doesn't live the lavish life that many of her colleagues and counterparts do, but she's content and very pleased with her job and the effect that she has on every last person's life who walks into her office....she's looking out for me...ms. cooke knows i want to go to notre dame...well, when i went to the program in july, i made really good friends with peter davidson, who's going to be a senior at st. stephens/st. agnes...his father is a notre dame alum, and they also attend st. augustine's catholic church with ms. cooke....WOOOPEE!!!!...she has already spoken with him about my financial situation, and they are going to do everything in their power to help me get there...with extra cash in my pocket...and there's nothing more u can ask for right?! lol....

so many people are in my corner here, it amazes me to see the support....mrs. loos is my number one fan and knows my potential because i'm going into my fourth year of mock trial (my other favorite club!) lol...she's going to be my AP government teacher next year also, so that should be lovely....she's intent on writing me any type of recommendation i need....so is mr. mccluskey....that man is tight...queen religion teachers...i love it! lol....but two of his sisters graduated from there and he's also friends with an alum who is now at georgetown law....also, he's friends with the assistant president's daughter....oooops cut the jokes cuz i'm pretty much gonna slit my throat and hang myself with the sleeve of my school cardigan if i don't get in there and get some good money...stop playing with my damn life lol....

i guess u could kinda say i'm excited about being a senior...i went to the mall yesterday to check out the price on my dirty bucks at stride right...they're not actually dirty bucks but hush puppies instead (either way, they all look the same)....forty bucks....saw kristen boone too, with her big lip self...she's gotten bulky...but either way the girl looks good lol....still silly ass kristen....sigh....

four ap's and one honors.....lets see if i got the hoofsa to do it! lol....

dreena...dreena...dreena...what is a girl to do about that one...she's "so gone" over me...and i don't know what i did!...that doesn't mean that my feelings aren't developing for her but i like the fact that a few nights ago we decided to take it slow...she's getting her pictures developed and i just hope i don't have to face another ordeal...i can't take that kind of crap anymore, i really cant...lol...

mommy's got a job interview today...goodluck

last but not least....

Go go go go go go go go melanie, it's ya birthday, we gonna party like it's ya birthday, we gonna sip some water like it's ya birthday, and u know i'mma be in woodmore cuz it's your birthday!

party
melanie's house
23rd
i'm there! lol

"let me see u do the love slide..."

that damn step in the name of love song is pretty much the tightest r. kelly song of my life and he's not even talking about anything...wait a minute...i take that back...."the greatest sex" is the best r. kelly song ever made....

"cuz inside of your walls there will dwell a capricorn...." whew....good god...lol...that man makes some baby-making music....i tell ya...

new week, no job, less cash....i'll get used to it someday....

dreena and me had it out last night....oops she wanna get real mad cuz i suggested that in college i might wanna do my own thing.....but my thing is that she was scaring me with all this talk about moving back to DC and joining the airforce.....sigh...nevermind cuz i always did love a woman in uniform....

i'm so far removed from my norm that it's unbelievable...i'm drifting away from people, and not even caring too much at this point...i'm tired of stressing over the past, and i'm looking forward to the future....megan told me about her sexcapades the other day....(well she didn't actually say she had it, but i assumed that she did)...my initial reaction was to throw a fit, but gee in my mind i was like "fuck it"....if that's what she wants to do then more power to her...i don't have control over her anymore and i think i've realized that....and it's ok...it really is....

now what do we do about this dreena situation?

question?

what the hell do i put on these chicks to have them fall for me so quickly?

seriously, i met dreena like wednesday or thursday....or something like that....anyway, dana called me on three way....she and i were talking and suddenly she says, "Yvonne say hello to dreena...."

in the back of my mind i'm like "oooooo God, i'm not in the mood...not now"

so we all talk for a few...i find out that Dreena is Crystal's (dana's g/f) best friend....she used to live in aberdeen around where crystal lives....but she's a military baby, so she moved to alabama recently...she's eighteen...just graduated from high school...bout to go to college after she gets this damn loan from the va...either that or she's going to into the airforce....

at this point i don't know what to think...we duked it out last night because i told her that i'm am absolutely not rushing into anything...those types of relationships end in disaster FAST..happened with megan, krystin....i just have a feeling it's bound to happen again...i have not one optimistic bone in my body anymore.....

she has potential...but i need to see these pictures first before i jump any kind of gun...cuz i'll be damned if i get myself caught up in one of those whirlwinds again....(for those who know wasup all i have to say is ROCKS!)...

the girl's got everything i'm looking for....but there's always a major problem...and i can see this one coming at my head first....so let me take my time, and give myself major room to maneuver my way out of any mess i might make along the way...

gotta go..i'll holla

"my angel, i'd stop breathing for u, if my life was possible without end....to be sure of love, i'm needing more than just a casual affair, but the pain runs deep internally, but clearly seen when u're not there...."

dreena's falling for me....another emotional rollercoaster....get ready for a bumpy ride...

dana, anika, i, hit up stone soul picnic yesterday....got rained on...saw kay kay...had to wring my skirt out and dry up under the damn driers at union...went to game with krystin last night...lovely seats, funky company...i don't even know why i agreed to go...shoulda asked for something else or nothing at all...she's a female balla who hates the wnba and doesn't watch women's basketball...has no respect whatsoever for women ballas and that pisses me off so much cuz she crazy about ballin her damn self...and she's not a nigga...she's a woman......no claps....just this bored look on her face...shoulda just gave me the tickets and i would went with jeanine or someone who actually likes the wnba....at least when i went with megan, she was into it, cuz she follows the league...i guess i cant blame krystin...everyone has their own opinions...

whatever....

my mother had a seizure last night....

therefore

i'm quitting my one week stint at six flags...

haven't talked to megan in the last three days....gee, i know i said i'd call her back but she hasn't made an effort to call me...why the hell should i try? she's not the only one who goes through shit....

rachel's b-day tomorrow...and i've been neglecting her something terrible...

back to dreena...crystal's friend....fallin for her, but definitely cant do a long distance thing...too much damn stress....seriously....she has alot to offer...just don't think i wanna take her up on it...

dana and anika are leaving...my dawgs for real...anika's stressing about cash...yea i know wasup with that...keep your head up sweetie....

other than that, life's pretty much on the down side, but what can i do about it? absolutely nothing....this is the life that i live...oh well....holla

you know i have nothing to do when i pretty much write more than one entry a day....sitting here...in the computer lab, and i think i have carpal tunnel syndrome from all this damn typing...i remember when i was a freshman and still had to look at the keyboard...i actually had to struggle for my less than thirty words a minute....what a shame....sophomore year came around and to fulfill my technology credit, i had to take typing and computer applications...not a bad class at all...

the room is separated into groups of four computers each...at my station leeann, boone, nathalie banwarth, and i....boy, let's just say that's an odd combination but we surely did make it work...while furiously typing away on 'typemaster' we'd laugh, joke around, get on the internet when we weren't supposed to, and hold our breath whenever we asked mrs. connelly a question...oh my...lol....(random side comment...i was spent when mrs. connelly said "i know u're blackplanet name Yvonne".....what is it with teachers stalking me outside the damn classroom?!).....so i learned to type in that class...homerow...qwerty and all that good shit...don't have to look at the damn keyboard anymore, and i'll have to say that i'm pretty efficient...not only can i type my papers within a matter of minutes...but these skills also come in handy for interesting conversations of AOL IM!


YAY....

shane's picking me up today....oh yes this should be interesting...lolgtg

can someone tell me where the hell this summer went? it seems like just yesterday that jeanine and i hit up union on the last day of exams...she bought a way too expensive smoothie from haagen daas....my father always tells me that when you're idle, you have no concept of time...that's because you don't have to manage your time....well i think i'm going to have to contradict him....i've been idle most of the summer, and it seems like i don't know how the days could have slipped by so quickly....

senior year is here in a matter of days and i don't have a stitch of work completed.....the pressure is on for me to start off with a bang and right now, i don't even have the spark to ignite anything....right now, i don't feel driven...there's nothing to keep me going, which is why i'm worried about whether or not i can maintain the same pace which kept me up to par last year....

i'm taking four ap classes: gov, british literature, psych, and statistics...not to mention and honors science....then we have mr. mccluskey's class- social justice- which although it's a religion.....is HARD nonetheless....don't let it fool ya....seriously....

side note, i think i took the super early bus to work this morning...that's why my behind is sitting here looking for folks, and no one's around...i think everyone is in a "meeting"...u know, one of those super official faculty gatherings where they do that super official "stuff" and eat breakfast pastries and and pulpy orange juice....sigh...lol

so anyway, like i said, i think the summer has gone by way too quickly...and in a sense i feel like i've wasted this summer for sure....working at seton has put a LITTLE money in my father's pocket...i mean seriously, this shit is less than minimum wage....maybe, just maybe. i made enought to lower my tuition by about a hundred dollars, but we'll have to see...seton doesn't like to give up that cash because they pretty much don't have any....

the job here has left me almost brain dead...now i know what it feels like to be in solitary confinement...for most of the day here i don't say much to anyone....the two other girls who work with me, are going to be juniors and they're already friends....therefore i'm the black girl...the odd ball...i can stand jill, cuz she's actually really nice and pretty friendly if u get to know her....but molly's another story...first of all, she grosses me out with her stringy, straight, nasty plain brown hair...the bitch is definitely not a looker if u know what i mean...she reminds me of a cracked out wednesday off the adams family....but even scarier (is that even possible)...sometimes i find myself inadvertently looking for track marks in this bitch's arms cuz it's that damn serious....i have a feeling she doesn't take showers everyday, because if she did, then that five day old musty stench wouldn't follow her everywhere she goes....she one of those weird, semi-grunge type chicks who rocks construction/hiking/all-terrain boots on even the hottest days, and then has the nerve to openly talk about her nasty, sweaty, stinky feet....hammertoes and all....folks, am i disgusted? u better believe it! lol....

i got used to the monotony after a while....i got used to coming here every morning and dealing with the fact that after this stint was done, i was gonna have to come here for the next nine months and face a different story with school....i'm just tired of it now....the schedule is put together, and while that was a daunting task itself, we've completed it and there's nothing more to do...most classes are set and people are steadily anticipating the school year...I, on the other hand, am dreading it; however, i'm sick of this job now...it's pointless.....now, they have us doing random odd jobs around here...these muthafuckas had me washing DISHES YESTERDAY....tha fuck?

do i look like ya mothafuckin personal dishwasher???? i have no problems doing it at home because gee....that's my home....but they had me washing rusty pots and pans...suprisingly, my face remained expressionless, but in my mind i was like these muthafuckas got me messed up....i'm in this joint doing chores and shit!...so i was like iight....great i'll do the damn dishes....but then big burke (as i like to call her) wanted me to do other people's jobs...ms. dwyer came down to library asking to use mrs. burke's cleaning supplies....she said she had to clean the trophy cases...OK....burke goes ahead and volunteers us to do it....tha fuck...who said i wanted to do it? i got myself outta that job quick....i wasn't wiping a damn thing..we got custodians and shit to do stuff like that, please give me a break...

anyway, in other news, i found me a job working at six flags for the remaining two weeks of the summer...not to mention, the weekends that it's open during the school year....just a little way to make some cash before i go back to school....i don't know why i'm trying cuz i prolly won't get to spend it on what i want anyway...u know how that goes....

this summer's been a waste...broke up with megan...got with krystin...broke up with krystin.....fooled around with kay kay ....ok i got some outta kay kay...but that's not the point...i had sex ONCE!...that's it, just once....things just don't work out the way u want them too.....my sixteenth b-day was iight, coulda been better, but megan tried i guess....things between me and her just don't seem as good as they could be...i think we're drifting...or maybe i should stop lying to myself...i think i'm shutting her out on purpose cuz i still have feelings for her, but don't want to acknowledge them...acknowledging my feelings for her would mean that i would have to admit i made a mistake in breaking up with her....and i don't like to admit i make mistakes...i guess it's just that damn HUBRIS aka PRIDE!...shit....i feel it whenever she talks about another female....i try to repress any type of emotion.....i do it unsucessfully...and the little bit i cant manage to repress is straight anger...anger that she's doing her own thing (rightfully so)....anger that i had someone perfectly ok and let her go....whatever...maybe i'm just angry because i haven't found what i'm looking for....perfection is hard to come by...u wanna know why?

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST U FOOLS! lol....sigh.....

got a five on my US history AP exam...OH YEA! lol....

notre dame was off the hook! and that's all i'm gonna say about THAT!...

and that's pretty much about it for my life...

oh yea....have a new male friend these days by the name of shane.....woooo hoooooooooooooooooooo......all i have to say is he's pretty much the best kisser of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so as me and Peter D. say....

HOLLER!