ok cicada mania is over for me. totally.

i'm not going to lie, i was siced when i saw the first two. but then there were more. and then i had to watch where i was walking so i wouldn't step on one of them. and now, i can't even walk down the street without worrying if one of those bad boys is going to hit me in the face. they have some big ass eyes, yet the can't see a damn thing. right.

don't u love it when people...um go to places...like union station...and watch movies...say like shrek 2...and then call u from that place telling u what a wonderful time they're having....yet couldn't call u to see what u were doing before hand. that's ok dana and anika, i see how yall are going.

on friday, i defnintely went and dropped my money off at the driving school and in less than an hour i was back home. got home like 5:30...chilled, watched the rest of madea's family reunion. tyler perry is a comical genius. i swear it.

graduation practice tomorrow. YESSSSS! one step closer. i cant believe it's almost done. i really cant. sigh. to infinity and beyond.

my mother's coming next saturday with my brother marke aka bartholemew according to dana. riiiiiiiiight.

today i'm going to the AP english lunch at Meghan Daly's house in good old bowie. lol. bowie family reunion....love u laura. lol. ummm for real it should have just been folks from all the AP's.....gov, psych, english, calc, stats. that would have made for a good mix. but something tells me that i'm going to have fun. perhaps because there's the reality of free food. it always tastes so lovely when it's free. yes it does. *patting stomach*

i'm trying not to let everything bother me the way it has been. the job situation is going to be fine i figure. melanie's mother wouldn't leave me hanging, despite lavell who doesn't return phone calls. she was the one who offered, and i know she's a woman of her word.

note to melanie: give me some reassurance on that...k?

umerah....the prom situation is coming out nicely. me and my father had a talk/shouting match yesterday about everything. he was telling me how the IRS finally got his shit straight and how he's getting a check back. so i told him that i probably don't have a ride there...because good old megan waited a week before to tell her mother that i needed a ride to prom. so not only does she not want megan driving with a dress on, but she doesn't want me to be in the car with her, cuz it will be like megan is my date. AWHAT! so anyway, ummmm.....i asked my father if i he could give me a ride in the infiniti and he had reservations about taking me to prom. so pretty much, he said that he'd rent me a nice lincoln to go in. not a stretch limo but one of those nice black cars that the important people get picked up at the airport with.

all i need is a a black man with a card board sign that says "Ms. Coker"....AWHAAAAAAAT?

i keep having dreams about prom. i really do. lmao. me and dana need to make a mission on thursday to go look for handbags and stuff. lets make it happen for real. sigh. i'm hungry. but that aint nothing new.

i think i'll go take the car, buy this bag of salad, and then some potatoes for this soup that my father is making. how u like that?

krystin, u left me a message last night but u were really sleepy and i couldn't decipher a word. c'mon now.

i'm hood rich.

i'll holla.

Ms. Coker:

Thank you for your response. The internship is scheduled to begin on
Monday, June 7, 2004 and end Friday, July 16, 2004. We will be mailing out
Welcome Aboard letters this week that will outline the dress code, grade
level, work assignment, start time, etc. We also look forward to working
with you this summer and if you have questions please don't hesitate to
contact me.

Very Respectfully,
Lavell Golden


this was sent april 19th....and u wonder why i'm spazzing. i cant take the pressure anymore. i really cant.

"love is meant to be so beautiful, unconditional, has its downs as well as highs-so wonderful-am i supposed to be amazed? or is this compulsory? i know love too well-my mind drifts alone-you never come with me-this isn't my idea of fun...."

ok floetry's playing in the background and i'm loving like some mcdonalds fries.

june 4th. mission to b-more. mark your calendars.

i need a manicure according to dana, goddess of all cuticles.

this weekend will be the first of many that i stay home. holy shit.

umerah so lets talk about prom being a week away and i cant take the pressure because everything is falling apart. i stressed so much about getting the dress, but now that i have it, i still need more shit to go with it. i need jewelry to go with it. i'm thinking pearls since i dont have any more money to drop or anything else. iight, and i need a handbag too. i tried on my dress and shoes that i bought last week, and realized that the shoes are like two shades lighter than the dress. WHAT! UGH, u KNOW shoes make or break an outfit for REAL! and i dropped sixty on those bad boys and threw away the receipt like a dumbass. WHAT! mmk, then i'm talking to megan last night, and she's like her mother doesn't want her driving in a dress. who the hell cares WHAT u drive in just as long as ure leg can reach the accelerator and the brake. SHIT. so the new thing is her mother is taking us in the minivan. this is what happens when u're poor like i am and cant afford a limo. maybe i would've pressed for one if i had a date. UGH. the minivan. i keep telling myself, beggars just cant be choosers. beggars cant be choosers. perhaps if i had a license then i could POSSIBLY drive my fathers car BUT....

the driving school is fucking around and not letting my get my six hours in until after i come back from visiting my mother. WTF? can my learner's NOT expire? can it NOT?

then i'm stressing about this whole job situation. like two months ago, i turned in my resume to melanie's mother who's like the main WOman at DOT or something like that. so the internship coordinator sent me a letter saying that i got the internship position and that they would be sending me follow up materials. only problem is that for the first two weeks of the internship, i'm going to be in texas. fine. so i gave melanie's mother the dates of when i can work. i'm still just auper spazzing cuz it's almost june and i haven't heard anything back from them. i KNOW melanie's mother wouldn't leave me hanging, but i dont like things to be up in the air. a letter, or a phone call from lavell would be nice. cuz the new thing is my father talking bout i cant even spend my money the way i want to cuz i have to save up my job money this summer if i want this new laptop. AWHHHHHHHHHAT! i'm slaving for college. i cant take the pressure. yea i need this job real bad or imma be taking this raggedy computer to W&L trying to get extensions on my paper cuz my compter wanna die on me the night before it's due. i cant take the pressure.

in other news, adriane invited me to go to some pride film festival with her and and few of her friends. should be nice fun. dana will tag along hopefully. WHOOP WHOOP.

umerah, yea my carpet is mushy. wonder why.

BIRTHDAY WISHLIST:

july 29th. all my folks who are 18+! (wont be me)...this is where u come in. all i want for my birthday is some big booty movies......yesterday me, adriane, and diana were in diana's room watching ALL DAT AZZ 15...we were chillin on the bed like we were watching saturday morning cartoons...all we needed was some captain crunch. i'm a booty woman. i need me a booty movie. so that's what's on my wishlist.

hmmm..."what more can i say?"....other than NOW i cant find my confessions CD. whatever. i'll holla.

11:58 and listening to floetry's getting late while i sit here and type...

aint got much to say. life's a doozy. same old shit, different day. just one step closer to death.

oh fie.

umerah, why am i sitting here with a bed sheet around my head looking like my name is Habib Abdullah from the seven eleven of 14th and U? AWHAAAAAAAAT!

cuz the new thing is my name is tea pot of tree stem, or something like that. ask d and a. they know. i don't.

out of the loop. out of school but still got work to do. this shit just dont end. concert tomorrow. hustlin' trying to get there.

hustling trying to get some prom money from my used books. what u think of that?

happy birthday adriane.

funny dreams of kesha in the generic brand car with no brakes.

me: where's the brakes?
kesha: dawg what u mean where's the brakes? i'm hood rich.

LMAO.

end.

random scribble from the memoirs of a fish:

Swoops0823: well hot damn how u like that bessie?

LMAO!!!!!!!! WTF? i will be using that...REALLY SOON!...

*Throwing Hands in Air*- "USE ME LAWD!!!!"

kesha's real cool and dana loved every minute of it, i presume. i would too if my girl came all the way from Va beach to chill with me after getting 2 hours of sleep. that's tight. so she gets a 7. seven out of ten aint bad considering crystal is a ten. no one will ever be crystal though, so no one will ever get a ten.

school's OVER. yesterday we had the senior awards ceremony and i got my fair share of awards. it was actually really nice. sigh. june 1st...baccalaureate. graduation. and then life. i wonder what awaits.

iight. so anika got a man. or is trying to get a man. interesting. i play around and say that "she's doing this to hurt me" but it's nothing serious. i just want nikaboo to be happy. and if he's everything she's ever wanted cept for a missing hole, then it's all gravy. eat up. yum.

admiring someone right now for courageousness and strengh. sigh. life's a bitch, but we learn how to get through it, day by day.

haven't talked to kenny in a while. mmk. gotta go.

UMM blogger has a new format and it's real cute! cuz as of right now i have 177 soon to be 178 posts. hmm, how prolific of a writer am i? first period sitting in the computer lab and i'm contemplating WHY i'm getting home so fucking late for the next week. driver's ed is really cramping my style. and having a license is really uncessary if u don't have a car to drive. i cant take this kind of pressure. sigh. whatever. i'm spent. ok, mrs. lee coming in here and putting folks on blast cuz we're not supposed to be in the computer lab first hour.

how many more days. 4. so SHUT IT UP!

a whhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

NIKA BOO IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PRAISE JEEEEEEEEEEEHOVAH!

peeling shrimp on the side of the road. six roses for ten dollars. four dollar hallmark cards with more glitter on them than words. sunday brunches and random gift baskets.

yes folks, it's mother's day. and i'm hating all of it.

megan gave me strep.

krystin and i are friends again. did we ever stop being friends? i dunno, but now i feel better. summer's getting of to a good start.

driver's ed tomorrow. A what!? mmk. three weeks until i license. what u think of that? i think i'm really excited. ok, but what if i fail the driver's test? christina did. but then again, that's christina. megan says that everyone fails it once. but melanie got it on her first try. oops, cant afford to fail it on my first try. cuz who's going to take me the first time. just like that learners written test. had to ace it the first time or i wouldn't be getting a learners until sometime this year. lol. u know how that goes. anyway, i gtg. holler.

sitting here in the computer lab during statistics. i love how we're doing work after the exam, yet mrs. bogrash made brownies for calculus....sigh. this is the story of my life.

so the new thing is drivers ed starting on monday and i have to figure out a strategy to get there on time after school. i also have to figure out how to balance taking drivers ed with the cat dissection lab that i'm not going to be able to complete in class because i'm going to be taking AP exams...how do u love that? sigh, i'm just really tired. school is over, but it's not over yet, and it's that funky little paradox that's truly blowing me. then i hear that dr. vadala wants to make us come in, during at least one period for concert choir to have the seniors rehearse with the rest of the choir. are u kidding me? riiiiiiight. i cant take the pressure. i cant take the pressure at all.

hmm....my computer is really blowing me. it wont let me download images on my computer as .jpg or .gif images. and those are the only formats that i can use to upload pictures on any servers. WHY?

*yawining*....thinking. this kesha chick might be just what dana needs. i'm excited for them and i hope it works out.

anika...well what can i say about that girl. she's been missing in action for the last three weeks, and of course, i just don't appreciate that. sigh. mmk. don't have much else to say, so i'm going to cruise the net. i'll holla.

peace.

"if u were me, what would u do? always a lie, and never the truth...now as for me, i'm moving on...you'll always be my baby...."

why am i listening to every song in my windows media player library?

now i'm listening to floetry. aaaah floetry.

ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell u that whenever i take my cd player somewhere, i always have floetry with me. the studio AND the live album. when i went on the retreat to emmitsburg, i shared a room with christina. put "getting late" on repeat. she got so annoyed with it that she had to get up in the middle of the night and take the plug out of the wall. remember the first time i ever heard that song...dana told me to download it, along with "say yes"....heard the first few seconds and immediately fell in love. a song is a song when it takes u to a certain place and time....if u can close ure eyes and drift to a memory that hasn't even been made, and relish in all of it's perfection...then that song is a work of perfection. and that's what floetry's "getting late" is to me.

"u are the source of my strengh....u are the strengh of my life...i lift my hands in total praise to u..."

richard smallwood? i don't even know.

ok. so found out that our graduation speaker will be kim better, a member of seton's c/o 92 who went to play for the uconn huskies women basketball team. that's the chick who has a plaque sitting by the gym with a picture of her and geno auriemma. i cant wait. i really hope she doesn't disappoint me.

right now i'm really paranoid because i'm sitting here in my basement waiting for the cicadas. i'm always paranoid tho, cuz those damn centipedes are out for my ass. one even bucked at me the other day and said "what bitch?"...that's when i decided that i was going to slit my wrists.

speaking of slitting wrists, megan and i had a very interesting conversation yesterday about 'cutting.' apparantly, she thinks there is nothing wrong with cutting. yet, when i asked her "what if i cut my wrists?" she quickly said she'd get me help. well then, if u think there's nothing wrong with it, why cant i do it? i admit that when i get upset, i bite myself. oooooooookaaaaaay. it's strange but according to ms. pierce and the APA and DSM-IV, it's not psychologically abnormal behavior. it's a way that i get out my frustration, and i only do it when i'm intensely MAD. i'm not like that frankie chick on real world who did it. besides i don't trust that frankie chick. who WOULD trust a person with "cystic fibrosis" but chain smoked till kingdom come? i thought cystic fibrosis was the disease where u have too much mucous in your body, and no way of getting it out. well dumb bitch, that cigarette smoke aint doin wonders for your ass. umm, but i'm not bitter. i'm just REAL confused.

i'm praying for laura. her situation reminds me of megan's. psycho mamma. talking to dana's new boo. funny girl. catchy phrases. haha.


WHAT...AP stats...joke of my life....free response was embarassing...A WHAAAAAAAT! so peace out thugz.

sigh of relief and frustration.

"well i guess i'm tryna be nonchalant about it, but i'm going to extremes to prove i'm fine without you...but in reality i'm slowly losing my mind, underneath the guise of a smile, gradually i'm dying inside..."

no reason why i'm singing "breakdown" by mariah to myself. it's just on the playlist on windows media player.

today was a dreadfully dreary day. but at least i looked good. i'm finding myself to be more self-centered and narcissistic as the days progress. if there's a window or a mirror where i can check my reflection, i always stop. check my hair, face, makeup, shoes. whatever the case, the fact that i'm noticing it is starting to bother me.

anyway today was law day, at the show place arena. our mock trial team went and collected our runner up plaque for being a finalist in the circuit seven competition. of course we lost to high point (we got jipped and i can finally admit it without being bitter...lol)....but high point soon lost to another team, so there was nothing to fret about. sigh. here's my self-centered side coming out again. i looked good. my hair was freshly done. i had on a black form fitting shirt and skirt and some red three inch sandals and a matching choker. mm mm mm. delectable. what can i say. ok.

POP. i just busted my own bubble.

there was a luncheon at the showplace. same old wild rice pilaf and pressed chicken that is stationary at every banquet. sigh. then some guy gave a speech about thurgood marshall and the fiftieth anniversary of the BROWN decision.

"i'd give my all to have just one more night with you...." mmk.

so YEA. going to pick up my prom dress tomorrow with CASH. A WHAAAAAAT. excited about that. the rain washed out the softball game today so megan and i decided to head out to the new david's bridal in bowie. it actually is really nice in there. they give u a consultant and everything. as soon as i looked at all the bridesmaid's dresses i knew we were going to find something for megan. they had a nice selection and really pretty designs and colors. we found a couple of dresses. the thing i like about megan is that she's not picky. and that makes shopping for a prom dress with her EASY. cuz she could have easily bitched and been like "i dont like this one..."...but the one she picked was powder blue and white.....it has a matching shawl and is strapless. i think she likes it. i know i like it. it makes her look pretty. well actually it brings out her feminine side. it's not like she's hardcore or anything, and that's one of the things i like about her. she doesn't have to act hardcore or grab her crotch or any of that fake, manly bullshit. her voice is even normal. she does her own thing, and that's cool. she does her.

AP stats exam tomorrow and i'm sitting here thinking if i should go in late tomorrow. cuz clearly i cant take the pressure. my left leg hurts real bad and i'm tired. i'm not even hungry but i could go for some water.

"when u love someone so deeply they become your life, it's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside"....mariah binge

thinking when i should make that call. have i really changed. and if i have, did i do it for the better? or for the worse? is love unconditional? is it forgiving? sigh.

A message from _ _ _ was deleted

haven't been blogging in a while...

"how do u find the words to say....to say goodbye? (find the words to say goodbye)...when your heart don't have the heart to say....to say goodbye (find the words to say goodbye" "track nine" on Songs in A minor....Alicia Keys....hmmm

funky week. drama filled. my hands would hurt just typing it, so i verbalized it to those who needed to know. cept nika boo who is OF COURSE, missing in action.

besides my recent run in with "the law" things have been as usual. same ups and downs...high's and lows...nothing to interesting.

i likened my relationship with megan to an abused woman in a marriage with her husband. not megan has not battered me or given me any black eyes as of late (lol j/k), but like that abused woman, the relationship is all i know. i'm afraid of just a friendship, because we never started out as friends. i'm afraid of continuing the relationship because i don't know what the future holds. i don't know if she can change. i'm giving her another chance, as always to see if she can prove it this time. if she can't, then my heart will hurt more, and it will give me another reason to reclaim some of the common sense that i think i'm losing.

wednesday night i yelled. SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, louder than i had ever screamed before. and i did it at her. but i think she's built up an immunity to my anger. she doesn't respond to it, which makes me even madder. by thursday night, i was plain fed up. after school that day, laura took me to her softball game, and i talked with megan as the rest of the team played. hinted at calling the whole thing off. being fed up is a good feeling and a bad one at the same time. she looked at me with those sad puppy dog eyes and said that i shouldn't do that. "please don't do that"....there was a hint of sincerity....just a hint. i don't think i'd believed in her "sincerity" in a long time. sigh. called her that night. and talked. didn't yell. didn't scream. didn't jump up and down and get mad. just talked. and all my anger and frustration and pain and hurt just flowed out. i told her how i felt. sincerely. the way she made me feel. the words seemed repetitive, but the manner in which i said them was original. i just told her i couldn't take it anymore. and i gave her the choice. do it over again and do it right, or forget about a relationship.

of course she chose the first one. yesterday we started over. we called it a first date. complete with the little "commentary" bubbles over our heads. every kiss felt like the first one. and i felt relieved. we start from square one but not quite. we're not at the level of "so what do u like to do".....but more like "so what can u do"...i'm putting her integrity and honesty to the test. i'm tired of not trusting her. it takes too much energy to think about where she is and who she's with. i'm tired of being suspicious. and i'm tired of her being defensive. i'm tired of holding on to shit in the past. i want to let it go and start fresh. i dont want to lose her and keep swallowing my pride and admitting that. am i dependent? yes. is that good? no. but time will tell if this will succeeed. for now, i hope for the best.

gospel choir, five o'clock. lets rock the place. WHOO HOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

missing someone terribly....but for some reason my pride won't let me admit THAT.....woke up with her on my mind....regret hurts....wish i coulda done it right the first, second, AND third time she gave me.....but people get to their breaking points, and she was smart enough to get me out of her life. i dont blame her.

i'm sorry kjj.

peace.