i give thee a temporary adieu....new blog...hit me up....much love. peace.

"http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=under_the_sierra_sun"

thinking about certain things and certain people just annoys me for some reason.

megan would u scan SOMETHING and send it please? geez.

i'm bored and bloated. i'll holla.

anika. c'mon now. no one cares when u're birthday is. you're not even turning an important age. u still can't buy alcohol legally, or get into certain places.

lol @ dana's dream. *go ahead and run this license plate number* LMAO.

write some words for god's sake. please. let me know what's going on in your life. i hate it when me and krystin are the only ones who blog. geez.

i'll holla.

C0mplxsimplicity: ok so xanga is pretty much done because to use skins, u have to subscribe to the xanga that costs money
C0mplxsimplicity: so back to blogger i go

straight foolishness. krystin said i need an attitude check. perhaps i do, but it's really not that serious the way she gave it to me.

Krystin: temporarily done.

i'm tired. i try to vent to folks, but they just dont have the time (krystin) or they just dont understand (megan).

i dont like it when people insult my father. i hate it. because they dont know our story, our struggle...ALL THE SHIT that we've been through. i hate it especially when my mother tries to say something about him, because she has the NERVE to talk about ANYONE.

she's all on that holier than thou crap and i'm not too sure how i feel about it. went to her church on sunday. the one she kept telling me about. "oh they're really good"....hmm, first of all i'm not too fond of african preachers. there are a few types of people who i'm skeptikal of.

first of all there's men who wear bow ties (i.e. mayor anthony williams)
second of all i'm leary of people who preach on television AND ask for "gifts" aka cold hard cash. it is my belief that many (not all) of these fools are preying on people like my mother. people who are down on their luck. no hope. no life. no one to love them. people who are at the lowest points in their lives. indeed, that's what the word of christ calls christians to do. i understand that christ's message was to reach out to those whom no one else will reach out to. but CLEARLY christ did not ask for $gifts when he was ministering. EVEryTHING cost money on christian television. from motivational tapes, to sermons, to mugs, rosaries and t-shirts. i'm not down with them selling the faith, especially to my mother.

i'm also leary of the "african born again."

now anyone who is familiar with born again christians knows that they are VOCAL and excited about their faith. more power to them. do ya thing. but AFRICAN born again christians irk me/borderline freak me out. africans always have a way of mixing the primitive with the modern, the civilized with the scary. thus, they combine things that shouldn't be combined. christ and voodoo are weird.

now i'm not trying to say that my mother does voodoo. heck no. she aint that crazy, but i'm just wondering if this faith thing is going too far. maybe she's excited about it. after all, it's the one thing she has going for herself. her career is gone. her man is gone. all the people who she thought were her friend are gone. now all she has is her family, and her faith. so of course, i understand that she would cling to it. but my mother has never been down with all that loud noise making and holy roly crap that i saw at her church.

sunday. oh boy. first of all it was hot. like 95. i pulled out a sleeveless shirt to wear to church and asked her if she thought it was appropriate. she said no, and gave me a shirt to wear. now it was a nice shirt...

for 60 or 70 degree weather. however, lets cut the jokes beacuse rayon and polyester blends dont do well in heat. fuck. so she made me wear the shirt. fine. i didn't argue.

when we finally pulled up to the church, which was in its new stages of building, i had an open mind. i'm game for whatever most of the time. when i walked in the door, i figured, "ok this isn't going to be so bad". the people were friendly enough and all patted me on the head, as if they were waiting for the arrival of my mother's dog, instead of my mother's daughter.

sike naw, they were really nice....a little too nice if u ask me, but i brushed my shoulders off and proceeded to walk into the sanctuary. i wanted to know where all the commotion was coming from. since the church is brand new, they had yet to have their lights cut on. so it was dark with no ac. however, since church hadn't started, most of the seats were empty. but the commotion was coming from TWO women who walked up and down the center aisles shouting, jumping, dancing around, and....

speaking in tongues.

now if there's one thing i DONT get down with, it's speaking in tongues. especially when african people do it. that shit crossed the line for me. it really did.

do u know these ladies just jumped and hollered and made noise for the next thirty minutes. WHAT? by the time the service started, i wanted to make a mad dash for the car. every bone in my body wanted to. i really wanted to tell my mother "Oh hell naw", but i couldn't do that. shit. so pretty much, i had to stay. bootleg church. that's what i call it. the preacher was actually good, i'll give him his props, but i dont like the way he looked at me, and held my hand for a long time when he met me. no no. can someone say, "uncomfortable"

lets cut the jokes. when u speak in tongues, everyone is supposed to have their own language, because they're talking to God in a language that only the two can understand. but everyone who spoke in tongues seemed like they had the same thing to say. it all sounded the same to me.

"shanta....shanta ali babba shanta"

i was waiting for someone to say "ali babba and the 40 thieves"...lets cut the jokes like anika would say. please.

i'm not down with their style of worship. for real i'm not. it's a little too eccentric for me. but i mean, i guess it's about what u like and prefer. me. well i don't like or prefer those fools.

this is supposed to be a vacation but it's sucking the life out of me. i haven't seen a music video since i've gotten down here. nor have i listened to normal folks radio aka "secular crap" according to my mother. ARGH. if i hear ONE more christian rock song....somebody HELP ME! all she does is listen to that and those preaching broadcasts. i mean, nothing will be worse than brother "harold campings."

melanie, u know what i'm talking about. he's what i like to call and "learned" self-interpreter of the bible.

I THOUGHT nothing could be worse than him until i pretty much listened to this broadcast last night on the radio about homosexuality. i'm not even faking, they had some bible verses to back up what they were talking about. but then they started talking about the cause of someone wanting to be a transvestite, and that's pretty much when vonney boo proceeded to be done.

"now lets say there's a little boy who's ten and he has a sister who is 8. the little boy hears all the time that the little girl is a "princess" and "daddy's little angel." the little boy, wanting this attention from his father, starts going into the girls closet and wearing the little girls clothes, because he wants that attention from daddy too."

thus, folks, u have a transvestite. voila. easy as that nasty mac and cheese shit u make in the microwave.

iight, so this afternoon, i tell my mother that i need to make a doctor's appointment. no, my father has not had alot of time to schedule me one or take me there. but i had a physical in november. so what has been the point. i dont get sick like that. anyway she says that he's been to busy chasing the "almighty dollar".....

that ticked me the fuck off. it seems small, but the way she said it, it's like she was indicting my father or something. i told her ass off . yes he's chasing the damn dollar, cause who the hell else would have put me through school? you? HA. what a joke. if my father had some ugly looking navigator, or esaclade or some shit like that, i could get down with her comment, BUT NO....he doesn't have much....and he's struggling trying to make ends meet with TWO full time jobs. she said it like he's working that hard to have extra cash and be selfish and greedy and buy shit that doesn't even matter. BUT fact of the matter is that my father doesn't have that much spending cash. all of his money goes in some way to his children. he has made SO many sacrifices....and rightly so, because he's doing what a parent is SUPPOSED to do. i have MUCH respect for him and everything that he's done. and that's alot more than i can say for her. i don't even KNOW why she went there. i will always honor and defend my father because he means that much to me, and i will go hard when someone speaks badly of him.

thinking about it has me mad. shit.

"The stars at night, are big and bright...DEEP IN THE HEAAAART OF TEXAS"

lol. i love megan.

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld

i've never been away from her for that long, so i'm wondering how we're going to fare. perhaps this is good practice for college. i'm excited about all things of higher learning, except for the fact that it will take me away from her. i guess like the quote above, we'll see if our love is a small candle, or a great fire. i think it's the latter.

down in tx. how u love that? graduation money slipping through my hands like WATER. when u have money, u buy irrelevant, unncessary things, like...orange cloth bags from old navy. what? right....

saw kjj yesterday. interesting. besides missing the bus fifty times, being attacked by cicadas/"snakes" and making fun of jewish rappers...i had a pretty decent time. i'll have to admit though that by the end, i was a tad bit uncomfy. sitting on her couch, while her mother cut the grass. it seemed she wanted to get closer...and i? well that's just not where i was at. i dunno. sigh. the day was thoroughly entertaining though, but i'll keep comments for a personal me an krystin convo.

congrats 2 crystal! c/o 04! awhaaaaat.

i like how the rent a cop at burlington coat factory pretty much discriminated against my kind. didn't like that too much.

it's raining down here. i cant escape it anywhere i go. oh well.

don't have much more to say. guess i'll write more later.

peace.

6.1.04
6/1/04
06-01-04
1 juin, 2004
June 1, 2004

today is the day.

as i sit here in my moldy basement on such a glorious morning, i cant help but think how such a lovely day in which i am to think about the possibilities of my future, can be ruined by the truths of my past. woke up this morning by alarm....my cell phone rang RIGHT at the worst, most emotionally violent part of my dream.

in this dream, my mother is looking for apartments in SW where she, my father and i used to live even before my brother was born. well it starts to snow outside. i'm talking about serious blizzard. any person in their right mind would say, "hmmm lets go home before we get caught in this storm"....but no, not my mother, which questions whether she is in her right mind sometimes with the decisions she makes. anyway, i tell her the best and fastest route to get home. but of course, being my mother, it simply cant be done MY way....or fuck it, any way BUT her way. so she gets angry and REFUSES to go my way. and at that moment i break down and cry and tell her how selfish she is about 50 million times and i break down and cry....and she gives me this look....perhaps she was going to cry too...perhaps she was going to tell me "i'm sorry"....but instead, my good old HAPPY ass alarm clock woke me up at exactly six oclock. wtf?

i dunno.

so i proceeded to cry. cry on a morning when i should be elated. instead i'm having mixed emotions about seeing my mother today.....after not seeing her since thanksgiving. she walked out. decided she couldn't take it anymore. left. punked out. it's funny how now, when there's a celebration of the culmination of all my hard work, along with my father's, she decides to join in. hmmm, but it would have been mean if i didn't invite her. i mean, i cant say that my mother has not played a role in my success throughout school. she AND daddy gave me the foundation that i need. BUT, her support has been sketchy. she's come through only when it has been absolutely necessary. but day to day, it's just been my father and i. dogging it out. waking up 5 in the morning and leaving the house at six together. coming home late at night. he's been working two full time jobs PLUS overtime for the past three years to make ends meet.

and what about my mother? well she's been doing her own thing.

i dont want to cry today. and if i do cry, i want it to be tears of joy. a bit of sadness for the fact that i am leaving my friends of four years, knowing that i may lose contact with most of them. some of them, i'll never see again in my life. but i don't want to cry when i see my mother walking in late. or hear her make some random comment about how long baccalaureate was. or i dont want to cry during my graduation dinner where my father made the ingenious decision of having all four of us eat together, like we're a fucking family. we're not a family, and i don't have to be reminded. and she's going to cry. no i don't think you all understand. she is going to cry. because since her illness that's all she's done. like that's going to make me feel any better. and she cries, i cry, because i feel helpless and there's nothing i can do about the situation. why today? why must I wake up feeling like THIS?

anyway, no more emotionally charged stuff.

i wrote an entire blog about my pride experience, but since my cpu doesn't want to work....well there will be no big blog about PRIDE.

instead, i'll just say that i had a lovely time with adriane. the film festival was banging. the new thing is Noah's Arc which is touted as a cross between Soul Food and Queer as Folk. cop that disk as missy would say. the poetry slam turned out to be seton reunion 2004....riiiiiiiiight.

lets see, what else?

prom. nice. food was good. my dress was bomb, and YES anika, i did take pictures. i got the cheapest packet. that good old 1 5x7 and 4 wallets. money was kinda tight.

best dressed:
myself (of course)
Brittany B. (black and white gown....gorgeeous)
Lonique (champagne retro number from the 40's...loved it)
Christina N.S.(midnight blue, ball gown.....worked it to death)
Lauren Howie(dont like her, but loved her dress...had a billie holiday vibe to it)
Lauren White(fellow bcbg queen...red....short...only she could work it with her long legs)

worst dressed:
worst dressed pretty much goes to the prettiest people in my class...

hate to say it but
karis and miranda...u lose.

karis(a mess with that beyonce weave "uh oh, uh oh, uh oh," ya weave was a no no....and the dress was a disappointment)
miranda(she had on some fire orange piece of silk mess that made me question her sanity.....these girls should not have gone wrong with such looks....but unfortunately, they did)

i bought a flat iron yesterday and i'm still wondering how to work it to achieve that perfect bend in my hair. but for now, it straightened out my curls from prom, and my hair will look good underneath my graduation cap. anyway, i'll holla tomorrow.

see u at my graduation....

adriane
anika
dana
cynthia

YAY! love u guys.

peace.