i got my job back...i got my job back...i got my job back...i got my job back...i got my job back!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I did nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I could not fathom that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself
I didn't know you
I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling now
Now that I don't
Hear your voice
Or even touch or even kiss your lips
Cause I don't have a choice
What I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
We belong together
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
Baby nobody else
We belong together
I can't sleep at night
When you're all on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me
'If you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things
Crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life baby
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody else
We belong together


so at this point in time, I’m really feeling the above lyrics. megan and I spoke on the phone last night. I don’t know what’s going on…if we’re coming full circle back to where we were a year ago. the past seven to eight months have been crazy. with college, adjustments, geographical distance, and new relationships, we’ve drifted apart only to find ourselves drifting back towards one another again.

and with this now happening, I’m wondering if it’s because we’re actually in love with each other or if in fact we’re in love with the idea of being with each other. there’s comfort when we’re around each other. we know each other well…all too well sometimes, i think. I know her struggles, and she knows mine. we’ve laughed, cried, hurt, talked, played, made love….there’s a connection there and no one can deny that. but are we afraid to let go? are we afraid to surrender ourselves completely to other people after we’ve completely let go of each other? or is that what we really want to do? so many questions arise in my mind when pondering this situation. I love that girl to death and no one since her has been able to take her place of fill that void that she left behind in my life. sure, there have been people with whom I passed time and who provided a sort of interim comfort while she was off doing her own thing…but they just don’t have that certain something that she innately possesses.

This shall be an interesting summer. I don’t know if KOR and I are going to make it another month. I don’t know why she’s still with me. I care for her and therefore I don’t want to hurt her, but I should have given her the opportunity to leave when I had a chance. perhaps I should phrase that differently. I should have left when I had a chance. what’s the purpose of being in a relationship that doesn’t have a future. I can already tell that if I decide to pursue this relationship, there will be problems down the road. we don’t share the same vision for our lives. we don’t share similar methods for developing and raising children. she’s a special person to me, with gifts and talents and an extraordinary beauty (both inner and outer) that attracted me to her initially. but as Ms. Dienno said in eleventh grade, there are several stages to a relationship. Past the first stages of infatuation, a realization process occurs which exposes the flaws in the other person which were present to begin with. we see what we want to see, and ignore what we think can’t possible be present.

there are some things about her that are absolutely wonderful…and there are some things about her for which I could beat her over the head with a sharp blunt object. ok, perhaps not. but u get the point? and then there’s the fact that even as much as I tried to push megan out of my mind and ignore her….my urge to be with her just became stronger.

sigh. sometimes…sometimes….sometimes…. I’m in college.

I want the freedom to do what I want, but I ultimately know who I want to settle down with in the future. I know who I want to wake up next to every morning. I know that I love her….unconditionally….despite the hurt of knowing that she’s with someone else (at this point, I’m so damn numb to that shit, it’s not even funny).

oh life. oh life. oh life.

in other news, I’m still waiting to see if I get my job back this summer. I really want to work with MARAD…actually I really need to money, so lets see if all comes through because I would greatly appreciate it.

this spring term, I’m shooting for two A’s. one in my Caribbean lit course. the books are interesting….the subject matter is pretty good…so lets hope I can crank out this midterm and these two papers and make it hot and sexy.

ok?! anthro 101 is a super bore, but the subject matter doesn’t seem like anything I can’t tackle. it’s pretty light weight, I just really need to get into the reading more. I suspect the professor will not give tests merely on the notes but also on the book material. gotta love it?

I’m hungry now. I think I’ll go to lunch.

wow. so it's now time for W&L to select three members from the c/o 2008 who are interested in becoming Mock Convention's "tri-chairs."

Mock Convention is over a century old tradition in which the members of the W&L student body hold a convention for the party out of power, in order to predict that party's presidential candidate. We do it with much time, research, precision, and accuracy as our rate of success for predicting has been QUITE high.

Anyway, there are three chairs like I said before: General Chair, Personnel Chair, and Political Chair. I can't wait to interview. I really want to get involved and even if I don't become one of the chairs, I can still be the head for a state (MD perhaps?)....I don't know, but this is a great way to get involved.

On the other fronts.....I've called Megan about 4 or 5 times within the last two days. Her only response to my calls was a text message around noon yesterday saying "I Love You."
She's leaving today (if she hasn't already left) for Florida where the MEAC softball championships are being held. I'm happy that she gets to experience that even though she has some qualms playing withe

it's been a very long time.

it's time to start anew.

fresh.

keep it fresh.