11:28.

multicultural resources room.

i haven't spoken to megan in two days.

perhaps the fact the my phone is broken gives her the perfect excuse not to call.

perhaps something is wrong with her.

i hope not.

if not, she could at least have the decent courtesy to send me an e-mail.

she knows my e-mail address.

she knows other ways to contact me other than calling.

this is the bullshit that i'm talking about.

something better be wrong with her ass, cuz it's pissing me off right now.

oh, the games we play.

i have a toothache and rosine is being petty about some ten dollar sweat pants from wal-mart.

wtf.

clearly, i don't have time for this garbage.

clearly.

let me read this book and get on with my life.

11:25 a.m.

careers services.

last night, after one of my friends had a wee case of alcohol poisoning...kor called me.

she asked in her sweet voice,

"what are you doing?"

nothing.

"you want to come over?"

i paused. thought about it for a second.

or maybe i didn't think about it.

yes.

"ok, i'll be waiting for you."

the line goes dead.

my heart jumped at the chance to sleep in her bed again. to lay in her arms....to re-kindle what we once had...seems so long ago, but dammit it was only a few months ago when this thing got started.

and now, what is there to do?"

i arrived, by the grace of God, because there was no gas left in my tank.

climbed the steps cautiously...the house was dark and i thought for one second that she might jump out of the shadows and pounce on me, ready to stab me in retribution for the paid i might have caused her.

but she didn't. i looked upstairs and the light from her room peeked through her shut door.

when i reached the top, i breathed heavily....opened the door...and there was she was, sitting indian style on her bed, looking at me as if nothing had happened.

ok then.

i asked, "how was your day?"

and so we began our nightly routine that had once been so familiar to me, and with which i had once been so complacent.

ok.

bedtime...i take my shirt and pants off...she complains about how cold it is...i tell her that it's the perfect temperature for me...

ok.

climb into bed with her and sink into her arms, not really understanding if i have any emotions at all.

silence. i'm waiting for her to ask questions.

"you aren't asking questions?"

no.

ok.

we lay there, silent for about an hour before we finally drift off to sleep. in the morning, i wake up, wondering where megan is and what she's doing. wondering, "what the hell am i doing?"

oh.

oh.

i get up and read my book, knowing that i'm not going to finish it in time for class.

she plays her music, showers, and i'm silent again. withdrawn as i take my place on her couch outside her door.

she's ready...we jump in the car and i make calls to adriane (21st b-day today!). i call megan first though, knowing that she has a bio test today.

i don't really know what to say anymore. i don't really know what to say in the car.

i didn't really know what to say when she slipped a durex condom in her wallet and proceeded to slide her hands around my waist and kiss me on the back of my neck.

i don't really know what to say.

i don't really know what to say when megan tells me that the biggest mistake she made was getting back with someone with whom she is in love?

well then, what am i going to say when she says this thing might not work out?

what am i going to say when she tells me that she's much happier with sherice?

or what am i going to say when the lump in my throat from all the pain i feel blocks the words from coming out of my mouth?

or what am i going to say when megan still has feelings for sherice, but we're "together?"

megan can say that she's in love with this girl.

but megan can't say how she's going to leave her.

well then....

what do we have to say for ourselves?

it's 9:12 p.m.

sitting here in the resources room. this has become my favorite room i must say. love it when it's quiet in here...when the lights are low...and when i can have time to myself to simply think.

i've been doing alot of that lately, actually. well, i've been doing more thinking than i have working. and i've been doing even less thinking about my work. but oh well, just a few more weeks of class left, right?

i wrote rosine a letter today. i guess relationships are like a job. u really not supposed to just quit. u kinda have to make it official. so writing this letter to her was like writing a letter of resignation. at least, i think that's what it's like.

????

what else was i going to do? i haven't had a decent night's sleep in the past week. my sleeping patterns are sketchy....i just walk around looking for her, hoping that i'll bump into her. but then, if i do, i have absolutely nothing to say to her.

so what the fuck?

what the fuck?

new quote...

i'm not even fucked up...i'm fucked out......

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucked out! it's ridiculous.

what do i do, what do i do...what do i do??????

who knows, right?

i'm letting her go, despite the fact that i do care for her. but why stay with her for my own selfish reasons. i've resolved that if i stay with her, it's simply because i need someone to hold at night more than wanting to share a relationship with someone. why should i use her? i can't, and that' what it felt like i was doing. it was wrong. she doesn't deserve that, especially after the way she loved me.

in another space and time...this could have been so perfect...

now what am i supposed to do
when i want you in world?
how can i want you for myself
when i'm already someone's girl?

i guess i'll see you next lifetime.....

we'll be butterflies....

sigh.

in other news, in less than fourteen days. exciting, eh????? i guess.

i'm not to hot about going home...that's why i can't wait to do my shepherd internship next summer...somewhere far, far away from D.C.

can anyone say NEW YORK??!!! i'm actually trying to go somewhere with a nice nightlife.

yvonne don't do rural.
yvonne don't do country.

you know megan had to audacity to ask me if i wanted to live in alabama?
wtf?

riiiiiiiiiight. cut all the damn jokes. NEVER. well, never say never, right? but some super force of nature would have to drag me out there. for real.

i can't do alabama...EVER.

whatever.

i settled on atlanta. i can do atl. i think. i can't do gold teeth....but i can do atlanta. i guess i'll just have to deal with that when it comes, right.

sigh.

rosine's not back yet. or if she is, she hasn't checked her e-mail.

i wonder how, or even if, she'll respond.

until then...

keep hope alive?

for the first time in nearly three years, i am again a fully single woman. liberated. free. alone?

this newly found sense of emancipation comes with both relief and confusion. i don't have anyone else's feelings to worry about and i'm free to do what i want, yet i'm unsure about what the future will hold. and i have no idea if the next person i meet will want to enter into a relationship. i don't even know i f i want a relationship for sure. i know that there's only one person who i can forsee a future with forever, but i'm not sure if i'm ready to settle down yet.

sigh.

went to see megan this weekend in baltimore which was quite a pleasant experience to say the least.

i had to leave around 7:00 in the morning when i originally planned to leave at six because the two other people i was taking with me were both late. i mean, i understand that they got in from a party around five, but so did i...AND i was driving the next day...so they really had no excuses. i was ready to go. i was ready to see her and i was EXCITED!

i mean, i was brimming with so much anticipation...especially since within the past few weeks we'd gotten close again.

got there around 11...she came down...hair fuzzy...cheeks chubby...wearing sweats...just the way i like her...

we went to the police station to get a parking permit and when i got out of the car...she swept me up in her arms and swung me around...just like in my dreams...sigh...

went back to the room where i slept cuz i'd only gotten an hour before i drove....in the evening we went to the harbor with her friends liz and kiana who are also a couple...espn zone is not the place for romance...at all.....but when you're with the one you love, nothing really matters....by the time we were done, not much was open so we headed back to the dorms where we proceeded to enj0y t he apple flavored smirnoff ice and jack daniels that they bought for us since they're both over 21...gotta have some legal friends to hook you up!

and then....i couldn't take it anymore...we were in liz's room and i'd missed megan sooooo very much...missed her touch that i wouldn't let rosine touch me since we got back from spring break...every time she tried i pulled away or made some type of excuse....

but megan's touch...damn, i feel like i melt underneath her fingers...it was half the alcohol and half the intensity of which i feel for her.....i just wanted her to devour me....which she did.....damn, sherice taught her ass something cuz she ate that thing....like there was no tomorrow....her tongue is so much smoother....it just glides up and down and all around so effortlessly.....her fingers slid in and out easily....i climaxed beautifully...

i climaxed...
i climaxed...

and then i feel asleep in her arms....something i haven't done in a long time....
sigh.

i miss her.

the next day we got up and headed out to red lobster's...had a quick lunch, took a couple of pictures and headed back to the dorms....unfortunately, we tried to see if the tattoo place was open but we couldn't get there in time....

so i wound up leaving to go back to school around 6....

i called her at least three or four times yesterday....

i feel like i'm acting too needy or dependent...something that i don't like to be...

she still has sherice...so what do i look like hanging off of her balls???

a damn fool right?

yea, a damn fool.

i'm a damn fool for her and only her.

she's the only person who could take advantage of me...and somehow i think she knows that.